Three Days on the Train
(based on a true story)
The littlest is persistent
trying to provoke his brother
whose forbearance is remarkable
in one so young
until, in a low, controlled voice,
the older inquires:
what may I do for you
Mister Spider Butt-hole?
Mister Spider Butt-hole.
The art of creative name-calling has been
all but lost
except among the kindergarten set.
Mister Spider Butt-hole.
Fellow riders within hearing laugh.
Few things are as universally reviled
as spiders, even more so, a spider's
rectum.
The train rolls on,
Gaspar's Bridge unfurls beneath
seamlessly, trains no longer
click and clack, some kind of new technology
in laying track.
Brothers share their color crayons
in the dining car. Waiters inquire.
Welcome to The Tangled Branch! Join us.
Three Days on the Train
Re: Three Days on the Train
Nice sketch Indar. Children bring colour into the greying modernity.
best
Phil
best
Phil
Re: Three Days on the Train
An uplifting read, Indar. Spending time with little kids is the best. It would be even better if "Mister Spider But-hole" were spelled with the more colorful "Butt"...........
Aj
Aj
Re: Three Days on the Train
Children bring colour into the greying modernity.
Thanks Phil,
I also intended this to be a tribute to sibling bonds and the ability of that bond to overcome egregious behavior. So children teach your elders well----
Re: Three Days on the Train
It would be even better if "Mister Spider But-hole" were spelled with the more colorful "Butt"...........
Thank you Aj,
Isn't it a good thing we can go back and correct the writing so easily in these venues? So, Butt it is done and done.
-
Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3534
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Three Days on the Train
Love this! Excellent humor. Too much explanation for my taste, though. But very nice touch to the ending.
In stanza 1, “to provoke his brother’ might be a phrase to include in a better opening line.
L.3-4 could be viewed as needless explanation, and thus deleted. These kinds of explanations sometimes feel right in the narrative, but can fill in too much – not allow the reader to imagine.
It may be worthwhile to look at S.5 L.2-4, and S.6 L.3-5 in a similar light. My opinion is that the narrative is made more crisp and vibrant without these parts. To me, they feel like an author standing on the stage and making explanations to the audience while the actors are allowed to do nothing during the pause other than listen along with the audience.
Just my thoughts. Take or toss, as usual.
Fun poem.
Cheers.
T
In stanza 1, “to provoke his brother’ might be a phrase to include in a better opening line.
L.3-4 could be viewed as needless explanation, and thus deleted. These kinds of explanations sometimes feel right in the narrative, but can fill in too much – not allow the reader to imagine.
It may be worthwhile to look at S.5 L.2-4, and S.6 L.3-5 in a similar light. My opinion is that the narrative is made more crisp and vibrant without these parts. To me, they feel like an author standing on the stage and making explanations to the audience while the actors are allowed to do nothing during the pause other than listen along with the audience.
Just my thoughts. Take or toss, as usual.
Fun poem.
Cheers.
T