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When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)
When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)
Alternative version (for the fun of it)
darkness slips
through a smoke ring
yellow glow of home.
Mother unties
her care worn apron
and joins the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of her childhood summers,
swallowed by time.
Original
outside ceases
its outsideness,
darkness enters
like a smoke ring
aspired by the yellow
glow of the open mouth
of home.
Mother abandons
her hand worn apron
on the threshold
and is welcomed
among the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of childhood and summers,
those that swallow time.
darkness slips
through a smoke ring
yellow glow of home.
Mother unties
her care worn apron
and joins the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of her childhood summers,
swallowed by time.
Original
outside ceases
its outsideness,
darkness enters
like a smoke ring
aspired by the yellow
glow of the open mouth
of home.
Mother abandons
her hand worn apron
on the threshold
and is welcomed
among the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of childhood and summers,
those that swallow time.
Last edited by Dave on Wed Jul 31, 2019 4:37 am, edited 2 times in total.
Re: When the white paneled door opens
Oh I love this!
I am reminded of my grandmother actually.
I am only slightly disturbed by the smoke ring/open mouth allusion. I guess I want this dreamy piece to be kept "pure". That's just me.
I am reminded of my grandmother actually.
I am only slightly disturbed by the smoke ring/open mouth allusion. I guess I want this dreamy piece to be kept "pure". That's just me.
Re: When the white paneled door opens
This is an intriguing poem.
I feel disoriented; not sure if I'm entering or leaving!
For me it's an extremely dark poem.
darkness enters
like a smoke ring
aspired by the yellow
glow of the open mouth............A scene from a horror movie.
THE SPACE HERE SAYS IT WASN'T REALLY A NICE HOME.
of home.
Mother abandons...........ABANDONS!!!!
her hand worn apron
on the threshold
and is welcomed
among the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of childhood and summers,.........ALL HER CHILDREN COULDN'T WAIT TO LEAVE 'HOME'
those that swallow time.............HER CHILDREN WEREN'T LOVED...THEY WERE A BURDEN.
I'm probably wrong in my interp...but that's not unusual
Like Linda I love it...but for a different reason.
I feel disoriented; not sure if I'm entering or leaving!
For me it's an extremely dark poem.
darkness enters
like a smoke ring
aspired by the yellow
glow of the open mouth............A scene from a horror movie.
THE SPACE HERE SAYS IT WASN'T REALLY A NICE HOME.
of home.
Mother abandons...........ABANDONS!!!!
her hand worn apron
on the threshold
and is welcomed
among the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of childhood and summers,.........ALL HER CHILDREN COULDN'T WAIT TO LEAVE 'HOME'
those that swallow time.............HER CHILDREN WEREN'T LOVED...THEY WERE A BURDEN.
I'm probably wrong in my interp...but that's not unusual
Like Linda I love it...but for a different reason.
Re: When the white paneled door opens
Thanks Indar and Colm. This is one of those that started out quite differently and then took a life of its own. I won't comment on interpretations for that reason as that seems to be to be unjustified. I don't want to claim any specific message for this one.
Dave
Dave
Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)
Hi Dave
I like the stealth in the alternative version. The abandon here is understated, the release more felt. teenage may be an option to childhood if you want less innocence.
best
Phil
I like the stealth in the alternative version. The abandon here is understated, the release more felt. teenage may be an option to childhood if you want less innocence.
best
Phil
Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)
Thanks Matty interesting thought.
Dave
Dave
Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)
Version #2 has lost the darker elements and (to my ear) reads like a completely different scene.
I assume it's what you intended in #1; I could tell by your response to my first post that I misinterpreted it.
Anywho, it's a lovely and poignant poem, especially S3 (in #2)...superb showing.
I assume it's what you intended in #1; I could tell by your response to my first post that I misinterpreted it.
Anywho, it's a lovely and poignant poem, especially S3 (in #2)...superb showing.
Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)
I prefer the Original, but both work.
Nice imagery!
Wonder why Mother is the only capital word?
Nice imagery!
Wonder why Mother is the only capital word?
Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)
Hi Dave,
I prefer the alternate.
I like the dreamy way your poem opens, how it seems (for me) to drift on birds wings, then ends with the profound theft of time.
This is the kind of poetry that conjures so much more than the imagery you lure us to.
~Deb
I prefer the alternate.
I like the dreamy way your poem opens, how it seems (for me) to drift on birds wings, then ends with the profound theft of time.
This is the kind of poetry that conjures so much more than the imagery you lure us to.
~Deb
Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)
Still love the first version.