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stillness after massacre
stillness after massacre
Stillness 100 years after a Massacre
Nothing stirs.
Not even colour.
Every grain of earth
black and white.
Bony shouldered trees
flank a dumb brook
for all the world
like Christians
at prayer.
Nothing stirs.
Not even colour.
Every grain of earth
black and white.
Bony shouldered trees
flank a dumb brook
for all the world
like Christians
at prayer.
Last edited by Dave on Tue Feb 25, 2020 10:52 am, edited 2 times in total.
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3473
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: stillness after massacre
Somber and poignant, Dave.
The title defines the poem.
But in the end, I think 'redemption's hymn' is asked to carry too much water. Christians who wait for redemption's hymn -- I take this to mean something like solace ascribed to religious creed which is hollow, false and/or insufficient. This makes the closing line too heavy handed, too dramatic, too expected.
I get the poem and it works, but redoing this passage could result in a substantial upgrade.
Just my view.
Cheers.
T
The title defines the poem.
But in the end, I think 'redemption's hymn' is asked to carry too much water. Christians who wait for redemption's hymn -- I take this to mean something like solace ascribed to religious creed which is hollow, false and/or insufficient. This makes the closing line too heavy handed, too dramatic, too expected.
I get the poem and it works, but redoing this passage could result in a substantial upgrade.
Just my view.
Cheers.
T
Re: stillness after massacre
Hi Tracy
Wow that was fast. Not sure how to amend as you suggest but will think it over. In the meantime redemption is gone.
Wow that was fast. Not sure how to amend as you suggest but will think it over. In the meantime redemption is gone.
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3473
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: stillness after massacre
The poem builds directly to that stick point, and I don't know how to advise. Sorry, just reciting my impressions.
You recall how fast Sparky could turn around a poem comment? I have no idea how he did that consistently in lightning speed.
Cheers.
T
You recall how fast Sparky could turn around a poem comment? I have no idea how he did that consistently in lightning speed.
Cheers.
T
Re: stillness after massacre
Good one Dave, especially the closing sentence, which could be the poem itself.
best
Phil
best
Phil
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3473
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: stillness after massacre
A stunning revision, Dave. Love it.
T
T
Re: stillness after massacre
Having not seen the original I will just say "stunning poem". How an event can forever alter the landscape in human perception. And then that sense of waiting. Love the ironic ending---the prayerfulness "like" that of Christians. We the readers might not know to which massacre this refers but we might be able to guess who was involved in some way or another.
Re: stillness after massacre
Love the imagery it ends with.
Curious which Massacre...
Curious which Massacre...
Re: stillness after massacre
Dave -
Like others, I have not seen the original. But I'm taken with the sparseness that says so very very much, leads the reader to so much more.
Aj
Like others, I have not seen the original. But I'm taken with the sparseness that says so very very much, leads the reader to so much more.
Aj
Re: stillness after massacre
I am loath to reference the source for the poem as the photo is so much more powerful than the poem but here is the link and the massacre was Campaspe in Australia 1839