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WHAT IF I SAID I LOVE YOU?

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Emmiasky Ojex
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WHAT IF I SAID I LOVE YOU?

Post by Emmiasky Ojex » Wed Mar 13, 2019 1:48 pm

What if I said I love you?
Would your heart skips its stepping stones and you fall into a bottomless hole?
What if I told you each time, I see your buoyed up face as early as 1 a.m at morn in my lovely dreams
My soul, spirit and body yearns to be always around you and casts a spell against its master ne’er to leave that scene

What if I told you that before I sleep off at dusk,
I’d pick up my mobile device just to take one more glance at the dazzling angel my wallpaper harbors
What if?, you got to know that the ‘ten tails of love’ were all for you
What if, all these and more you knew?

Would you light up my world with the sun in your smile,
tell me ‘I love you too’ and ‘You’re mine’
or would it seem to you, another love confession
one of the many love words you’ve been hearing long before you were eight(a)-teen

Would you leave me shocked by the regretful poem I wrote to woo you?
I’m afraid of being broken by another kind and thus, will never tell you!

©Emmiasky Ojex


 
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Dave
Posts: 511
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: WHAT IF I SAID I LOVE YOU?

Post by Dave » Thu Mar 14, 2019 8:52 pm

This is i am afraid a tough read with its grammer errors, jumbled punctuation and cliches. The questions for some reason prevent the poem from opening for anyone outside the poem and ending can only disappoint because the fepeated azking reveals early on, the lack of an answer. This is a lover who fails to be giving Nd remains domewhat self obsessed.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:58 pm

Re: WHAT IF I SAID I LOVE YOU?

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:41 pm

I can tell you put some time into this and there is the obvious passion. To communicate better, however, the reader needs to given more. As it is, we have a Narrator who purports to love someone who the N idealizes as a 'dazzling angel', has pictures of her on his 'mobile device', and writes her undelivered love letters (or some such). N is afraid of "being broken by another kind" and from what the reader is told, the love object knows none of this. I am not sure if this is what you intended, but I am left with the conclusion that the N is a stalker. I can't tell how dangerous, but it does raise the possibility of this being a poem with the unreliable narrator. If this is your intent, it can be strengthened, but if not, then specific details about the characters would provide some needed light for the reader.

As lesser matters, additional attention could be paid to grammar and punctuation. Generalized and abstract words, too, detract from meaning.

And what are 'ten tails of love'?

This just my opinion - take it or leave it, your call. :)


Cheers.

T

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