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Isle of Pines

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indar
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Isle of Pines

Post by indar » Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:44 pm

Isle of Pines

tips and sways 
on lily pad tiled water:
green circles float
succulent centers
visited by nectar seekers
flyiing out from shore
dizzy with sugar and sun sparkles.

Emerald spires distant,
dark and cool against burning blue,
hovered over by hot-air-balloons
blooming pastel in rising air.


Written without the word the

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lshmael
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Re: Isle of Pines

Post by lshmael » Thu Mar 14, 2019 5:17 am

A nice poem indar. I especially like the first 4 lines.

"tiled water" gives a nice picture with just one word (well two I suppose). And to me at least, "succulent centers" hints at a lightness or playfulness that's befitting "nectar seekers".

binx
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Joined: Mon Mar 04, 2019 1:06 am

Re: Isle of Pines

Post by binx » Thu Mar 14, 2019 3:11 pm

indar wrote:
Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:44 pm
tips and rocks 
on lily pad tiled water:
green circles float
succulent centers
visited by nectar seekers
that flew out from shore
dizzy with sugar and sun sparkles.

Emerald spires distant,
dark and cool against burning blue,
hovered over by hot-air-balloons
blooming pastel in rising air.


Written without the word "the"
I am trying to decide if water is "tiled" with lily pads (which I like very much) if one could even see any rocks. Maybe it's a given rocks are breaking surface?  Are they rock tips? (which I also like very much; the whole first image is appealing as heck).

I also intensely dislike lines starting with "that" so I would suggest "flying" (present tense) to eliminate "that flew"

No capital on S1 but capital to start S2?

by George


Response also written without the word "the" :)
 

Dave
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Re: Isle of Pines

Post by Dave » Thu Mar 14, 2019 8:48 pm

I presume it was an experiment or accident writing without 'the' since you explicitly mention it. Well done. Not sure if it would occurred to me if you had not mentioned it. The imzges took a while to work for. The title is isle of pines yet pines or even the isle play a minor in the images.
Tips and rocks ON lily pad tiled water suggest a reflection otherwise i would question the preposition.
For me hovered over doesn't really work, especially as my mind wants to read hoovered over. Interesting poem

indar
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Re: Isle of Pines

Post by indar » Fri Mar 15, 2019 3:45 pm

Thank you Ishmael, Binx and Dave,

I'll try to address your comments in one explanation. The Title begins the sentence: it tilts and rocks was intended to give the impression of instability, the optical illusion of the island moving like a boat moored on the water was supposed to introduce the idea of unreality. It didn't occur to me that "rocks" might be taken as part of the geography. Would "tilts and sways" make the intention more clear?

As for the rest of it, I meant to allude to 2 well-known images: the Emerald City of Oz as seen from poppy fields with the emerald spires of pines and the hot air balloon clouds overhead.

The second allusion is to the Lake Isle of Innisfree (and live in a bee-loud glade)

https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/lake-isle-innisfree

Yeat's poem has long been a theme that plays through my life (escape) :D :D :D

I was skinning down my original draft and noticed it didn't need any "the"s so I took them all out--what a thrill!

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Isle of Pines

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:51 pm

Isn't it a delight to occasionally rediscover how lines seem to hum more without that pronoun?

Love these descriptions, Indar. I got Innesfree reference, but missed Oz. Instead, I pictured Island Lake, south of Hibbing, Mn. Rising pines as seen from lakeside fit this so well.

S.1 L.6 - that > who ? Just asking, seems more personal toward the seekers.

" . . .hovered over by. . . " awkward construction, I have no suggestions at the moment.

I really like this poem. Nice to see you writing some upbeat, happy things. :)

T

indar
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Re: Isle of Pines

Post by indar » Sat Mar 16, 2019 5:50 pm

Thanks Tracy,

I rewrote a few problem areas. I tried to avoid the "that/who" situation with a third choice but am not certain it works. "hovered over by" still unresolved--but I'll mull it over.

Always appreciate your input.

Matty11
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Re: Isle of Pines

Post by Matty11 » Sun Mar 17, 2019 6:02 am

As for the rest of it, I meant to allude to 2 well-known images: the Emerald City of Oz as seen from poppy fields with the emerald spires of pines and the hot air balloon clouds overhead.
I didn't get that Indar, which is probably why I enjoyed S1 more. on lily pad tiled water I can see that. Liked the notion/phrasing nectar seekers.

best

Phil
 

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Colm Roe
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Re: Isle of Pines

Post by Colm Roe » Mon Mar 18, 2019 1:53 am

Nice visual poem indar.
My last poem here was 'the' free...and I did it without trying...do I get extra bonus points  :lol:

indar
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Re: Isle of Pines

Post by indar » Fri Mar 22, 2019 4:39 pm

Yes you do---let's see, on a scale of 1 through 10--10 being a full blown sestina you get 3 points and so do I. What could snag a person 1 point? An "it" free poem.

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