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When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)

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Dave
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When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)

Post by Dave » Tue Jul 30, 2019 1:50 pm

Alternative version (for the fun of it)

darkness slips
through a smoke ring
yellow glow of home.

Mother unties  
her care worn apron

and joins the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of her childhood summers,
swallowed by time.



Original

outside ceases
its outsideness,

darkness enters
like a smoke ring
aspired by the yellow
glow of the open mouth

of home.

Mother abandons   
her hand worn apron
on the threshold
and is welcomed

among the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of childhood and summers,
those that swallow time.
Last edited by Dave on Wed Jul 31, 2019 10:37 am, edited 2 times in total.

indar
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Re: When the white paneled door opens

Post by indar » Tue Jul 30, 2019 2:41 pm

Oh I love this!

I am reminded of my grandmother actually. 

I am only slightly disturbed by the smoke ring/open mouth allusion. I guess I want this dreamy piece to be kept "pure". That's just me.

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Colm Roe
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Re: When the white paneled door opens

Post by Colm Roe » Wed Jul 31, 2019 1:42 am

This is an intriguing poem. 
I feel disoriented; not sure if I'm entering or leaving!
For me it's an extremely dark poem.

darkness enters
like a smoke ring
aspired by the yellow
glow of the open mouth............A scene from a horror movie.
THE SPACE HERE SAYS IT WASN'T REALLY A NICE HOME.
of home.

Mother abandons...........ABANDONS!!!!   
her hand worn apron
on the threshold
and is welcomed

among the birds of dusk,
the martins and swifts
of childhood and summers,.........ALL HER CHILDREN COULDN'T WAIT TO LEAVE 'HOME'
those that swallow time.............HER CHILDREN WEREN'T LOVED...THEY WERE A BURDEN.

I'm probably wrong in my interp...but that's not unusual  :)
Like Linda I love it...but for a different reason.

Dave
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: When the white paneled door opens

Post by Dave » Wed Jul 31, 2019 10:30 am

Thanks Indar and Colm. This is one of those that started out quite differently and then took a life of its own. I won't comment on interpretations for that reason as that seems to be to be unjustified. I don't want to claim any specific message for this one.
Dave

Matty11
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Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)

Post by Matty11 » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:04 am

Hi Dave

I like the stealth in the alternative version. The abandon here is understated, the release more felt. teenage may be an option to childhood if you want less innocence.

best

Phil

Dave
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)

Post by Dave » Thu Aug 29, 2019 8:15 pm

Thanks Matty interesting thought.
Dave

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Colm Roe
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Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:02 am

Version #2 has lost the darker elements and (to my ear) reads like a completely different scene.
I assume it's what you intended in #1; I could tell by your response to my first post that I misinterpreted it.
Anywho, it's a lovely and poignant poem, especially S3 (in #2)...superb showing.
  

poet-e
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Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)

Post by poet-e » Wed Sep 04, 2019 2:25 am

I prefer the Original, but both work.

Nice imagery!

Wonder why Mother is the only capital word?

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Deb
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Location: Southern California USA
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Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)

Post by Deb » Wed Sep 11, 2019 8:46 pm

Hi Dave,

I prefer the alternate.

I like the dreamy way your poem opens, how it seems (for me) to drift on birds wings, then ends with the profound theft of time. 

This is the kind of poetry that conjures so much more than the imagery you lure us to.


~Deb

indar
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Re: When the white paneled door opens (versions 1&2)

Post by indar » Thu Sep 12, 2019 9:03 pm

Still love the first version.

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