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Robert Dudley - The Knot Garden

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Matty11
Posts: 399
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Robert Dudley - The Knot Garden

Post by Matty11 » Sat Aug 24, 2019 6:26 am

revision


Design will pleasure her: these borders
of thyme, those beds of marigold.
It was a scented, moonless night
his wife fell down the stairs. He is bold.

No wifely tears will worry deceit.
No favoured courtier's gossip to fret.
This counterfeit is safe inside
his fragrant garden. No regrets.

He plays with royal pearls, unlaces
the silk from under perfumed bliss;
despite that whiff of shame, his lips
- this Queen must pluck his cunning kiss.

original

No wifely tears to stain and mute
deceit. No court gossip to fret.
This counterfeit unruffled inside
his fragrant scheming. No regrets.

Design will pleasure her: these borders
of thyme, those beds of marigold,
will thread intent. A scented night
his wife fell down the stairs. He is bold.

He plays with royal pearls, unlaces
the silk from under perfumed bliss;
despite that whiff of shame, his lips
- this Queen must pluck his cunning kiss.
Last edited by Matty11 on Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:22 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 927
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: Robert Dudley - The Knot Garden

Post by Colm Roe » Sun Aug 25, 2019 2:17 am

Not a big rhyming fan Matty...as you probably know. 
And I wonder why 'deceit' isn't kept on L1?  
However, I did enjoy the read; and the time spend researching this interesting man.
 

Matty11
Posts: 399
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Robert Dudley - The Knot Garden

Post by Matty11 » Mon Aug 26, 2019 5:13 am

And I wonder why 'deceit' isn't kept on L1? 
Thanks Colm. Deceit is the key word and the line break gives it emphasis, though the original L1 was a little brittle so I've used an earlier draft for that line.

cheers

Phil

Dave
Posts: 578
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Robert Dudley - The Knot Garden

Post by Dave » Tue Aug 27, 2019 8:55 pm

Although this is a great subject and very densely and cleverly handled I have been puzzling since I first read it why I found it so hard to get into it. The poem starts to take off in the 3rd stanza when the verbs start to kick in. Before that the poem is a bit static and the character does not come so alive. Still as I say well written and interesting.

Dave

Matty11
Posts: 399
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Robert Dudley - The Knot Garden

Post by Matty11 » Wed Aug 28, 2019 10:07 am

I agree Dave. I'll shuffle the pack for a little more dynamic.

cheers

Phil

poet-e
Posts: 85
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: Robert Dudley - The Knot Garden

Post by poet-e » Wed Sep 04, 2019 2:32 am

Revision reads/flow better.

Matty11
Posts: 399
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Robert Dudley - The Knot Garden

Post by Matty11 » Thu Sep 05, 2019 3:06 am

Thank you for the thumbs up on the revision poet-e

cheers

Phil

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