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My girl friend is pint-sized

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Matty11
Posts: 376
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

My girl friend is pint-sized

Post by Matty11 » Thu Sep 05, 2019 3:58 am

revision

A winter's pace, the frost winking,
    my rucksack weighted
with your checklist. I trudge back.

Unbridled, you stride on. Stature
  defines us. At the top
you waving. Me frowning from afar.


original

A winter's pace, the frost winking,
    my rucksack weighted
with your checklist. I trudge back.

Unbridled, you stride on. Distance
  defines us. At the top
you waving. Me frowning from afar.
Last edited by Matty11 on Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

poet-e
Posts: 37
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Post by poet-e » Mon Sep 09, 2019 11:43 pm

I don't get how the title, "My girl friend is pint-sized," relates/connects to the rest of the poem.

In the 'Boston Legal' show, an attorney jokes "My girl friend is pint-sized" b/c she's a small person....    ;)

Matty11
Posts: 376
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Post by Matty11 » Tue Sep 10, 2019 5:47 am

Thanks P. I have made a small change that will hopefully give a nudge on the title/poem thread.

best

Phil

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Deb
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Location: Southern California USA
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Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Post by Deb » Wed Sep 11, 2019 8:35 pm

Hi Matty? Phil? 

I'm confused about what to call you.

Your poem, I get it. Now I feel a little more guilty about my husband carrying my backpack on our day hikes. He volunteers, though.


The frost winking is a nice touch and I love that the rucksack is filled with her checklist and not her things. Subtle.
Then, you still have the climb.

I understood what you meant by the distance the first time I read this but I believe the change you made is nicely done.

~Deb
 

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Post by indar » Thu Sep 12, 2019 9:11 pm

I taught drawing for many years and started with (yawn) rules of perspective. The girlfriend (unemcumbered) strides on ahead and is at the top. I can only think of this as a description of what happens to two objects in space, one at a further distance from the other, higher and smaller on the 1 dimentional surface.  Works for me as an analogy for a relationship.

Matty11
Posts: 376
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: My girl friend is pint-sized

Post by Matty11 » Fri Sep 13, 2019 1:58 pm

Thanks Deb and Linda.
Your poem, I get it. Now I feel a little more guilty about my husband carrying my backpack on our day hikes. He volunteers, though.
:) That made me smile, but on reflection, is this male pride? :roll:
I taught drawing for many years
I've been dabbling with drawing recently. Perhaps there could be a drawing/painting/art forum?

Appreciate the feedback both.

cheers

Phil

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