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The Winner

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indar
Posts: 1218
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

The Winner

Post by indar » Sat Mar 21, 2020 6:45 pm

After a struggle that spanned sixteen months
she kept the girls and he won the son.

He brought the prize home to the girlfriend's house,
walked out the front door two days before summer vacation

drove away, left the object of custody and rage behind
to be taken by child protection.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 1063
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: The Winner

Post by Colm Roe » Sun Mar 22, 2020 1:48 am

Hi Linda,
This is quite prosey, which leads me to think it's a personal poem...people you know.
It's written in an almost matter of fact way, which works, and there's a world of sadness in those few lines.
The only suggestion I'd give is this:
'drove away, left discarding the object of custody and rage behind'
A nice, succinct read.

Matty11
Posts: 462
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: The Winner

Post by Matty11 » Sun Mar 22, 2020 10:11 am

Like the delivery Linda, it doesn't falsify or overdramatize. The key words are prize/object and when that translates to the reality of summer spent with his son - an exit. An appetite/anger for a custody battle, but not motivated by love. Sad indeed.

best

Phil

poet-e
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Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: The Winner

Post by poet-e » Sun Mar 22, 2020 4:59 pm

So sad.  Well written.

indar
Posts: 1218
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: The Winner

Post by indar » Mon Mar 23, 2020 4:24 pm

Thank you all. This one is based on a memory from my teen years. The first time I became aware of an individual that had to win no matter who he hurt. The winning was the ultimate goal with no sense, it seemed to me, of caring about the players and objects that kept him in constant conflict with everyone around him. I think this one stands as an analogy for another, contemporary prize example.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: The Winner

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Mar 24, 2020 1:16 am

Love this poem, Indar. Earthy, shows well a broken human. I don't even care to know why and how he's broken-- just this shitty act defines him forever.

Of course I had to diddle with it when I saw how close it is to blank verse. And of course my diddling is to the poem's detriment:

After a struggle of sixteen months
she kept the girls and he won the son.

He brought his prize to a girlfriend's house,
split at the start of summer vacation–

the boy on the curb with his baseball mitt–
to be taken by child protection


Disregard the blather.

Cheers.

T

Dave
Posts: 650
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: The Winner

Post by Dave » Tue Mar 24, 2020 9:46 am

Hey Indar
A really strong narrative told succinctly and without unnecessary explaining or backstory. It makes it all the more poignant and shocking 

indar
Posts: 1218
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: The Winner

Post by indar » Tue Mar 24, 2020 3:35 pm

Thank you Tracy,

Of course I won't disregard your suggestions. I read through your rewrite and, as I do when reading to myself, I over accented the rhythm. I thought it came out a bit "lilting" for the subject. Then I went back and read the original and it was way clunky sounding. I rarely seem to think about things like blank verse, syllable counting, couplets etc. and I should.

So I will rework this in future

indar
Posts: 1218
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: The Winner

Post by indar » Tue Mar 24, 2020 3:42 pm

Thank you Dave, for the read and positive comments.

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