The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Thanks for the feedback on this one, everyone. I can see it needs work, but good to get the positive overall response.

Much-appreciated,

Trev

NEW VERSION Petite Picasso   Smudges of dirt, strokes of jam, custard, yoghurt and butter – I’ve discovered an exciting secret about my baby sister.   Our sitting room table is a canvas to her: where we see plates, she sees texture and colour, and all she makes is very abstract, enough to make you ...

Hi Jackie, This felt like a nice start to a poem, setting a snapshot scene. Then, it seemed to change course suddenly for the last line. What were you tryng to get across in the poem? Maybe teasing out the original intention you had would create a fuller poem. Nice images and language in most of wha...

Hi Phil, Nice atmosphere going on here. I guess if the logic/thought was a bit clearer overall, it would help. It felt clearer, and thus that extra bit more interesting/engaging/enjoyable, in the first 2 lines of the second verse. There, it seemed like the theme/reason for writing the poem was comin...

Thanks, Tracy. I appreciate the feedback, though this might be one for the dustbin, I think.

All the best,

Trev

Hi Tracy,

Thanks very much for your input here. I think I agree straighaway about ditching the "you", though not so sure yet about the last line. Looking back at this poem, the imprisons idea/line feels too obvious/bland, so that'll have to go, too.

Cheers!

Trev 

Hi Phil,

The revision works well, especially taking away the more laborious opening that was previously there. It's now more interesting, more dynamic. The last verse is a nice addition, too.

Trev

Fair enough, Phil. It is very heavy on the didacticness! Thanks for your feedback.

Trev

Don’t ask, “what shape must a family take?” Each family takes its own. Some children have brothers or sisters. Other children have none.   Some mothers work; some mothers don’t. It depends on many things. Fathers sometimes play all day; others do all the cooking.   In some families, there’s no fath...

Hi Mark,

Around age 8-9, when I imagine children are fascinated by major historical facts. I must look up whether non-firearms can be "fired", but we use "fire" even for "throw" here in Ireland, so maybe it's okay. Thanks for your observations.

Trev