The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Hi Eric, I didn't really buy this until the last verse, where you went full-on with the comical tone. Before that, it felt uninteresting and melodramatic to me. I think the heart of this is a full-on comic piece. Maybe it could start with feeling pestered by the moth, trying to kill it, then, over t...

Hi Linda, I like the places this poem goes to, as well as the general tone/wording. It works very well. I'd just like to see more of a foreshadowing of the end, along with a longer build-up before thinking of Grandma. While rubbing in the cream, could the speaker first think about her own life a lit...

Hi Linda & Eric,

Thanks for the follow-up, Linda.

Thanks, Eric, too, for the feedback.

Trev

Hi Linda, Thanks for your feedback. My thinking was that this could be read by a child of, say, 9-10, and hence could be considered a children's poem. Are there any specific criteria you think I'm missing? Or you think it's a stretch to expect a child of that age (or any age) to read it? Thanks agai...

Some people just keep on talking, and don’t seem able to stop, as if they think a moment of silence would cause their head to fall off. Take, for example, my uncle, Frank. He could talk all day about visiting the bank or washing dishes, or even breathing. His words just spew, never revealing what h...

Hi Eric, Like Bruise, I enjoyed the last verse. It has a lovely tone/phrasing about it. Up till then, though, I was very disengaged. There's a lack of detail. It all felt very overviewy to me. I wanted to know what battle was being referred to, what was being dismantled, how he was withdrawing/from ...

Hi Colm, 

I think the prosiness works relatively well. It's the length in connection with the tone that drags things back a bit, for me. I'd consider streamlining things a bit. Cut the first verse and reduce the 4th, 6th and 7th, I'd say.  

Cheers for sharing,

Trev

Thanks for commenting, Mark. I'll see what I can do to improve it.

Trev 

Hi Linda, Dave and Eric,

Thanks very much for yere views on this. Appreciate it.

Trev

Hi Mark, This appears to be a simple snapshot poem of a sombre scene. I think it could work better if there was more variety of rhythm and tone. To me, it just plods along. It could engage the reader more if there was a more dynamic feel to the tone. Consider varying the sentence and line lengths. S...