The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Thumbs up on the changes, Mark. They work well.

Trev

Thanks, Mark. I left out the "only" to avoid monotony. New version with a new verse below and at the top of the page, if anyone's interested. If Only   If only rain was always warm, we’d take a shower in every storm.   If only stars had brighter light, there’d be no streetlamps lit at night.   If dr...

Thanks, Phil. I think it feels a bit short, so I might try to come up with another verse. Will see.

Thanks again,

Trev

Hi Mark, Very nice work. Some very engaging, interesting phrases. What disengaged me as the poem went on, though, was the tone. It just felt too samey, and some change of tone would make a huge difference, I think. Framing it as one sentence didn't help, so it might be worth looking at splitting it ...

NEW VERSION   If only rain was always warm, we’d take a shower in every storm.   If only stars had brighter light, there’d be no streetlamps lit at night.   If dreams were films we could release, you’d love my latest masterpiece.   And if the sun was further away, we’d have winter every day.   If o...

Hi Phil, I enjoyed this. Good, original theme for a poem, and it feels well-realised, quite complete. I think the title could be improved on, as it feels a bit bland. Not saying bland/simple titles aren't sometimes perfect; just feels off to me in this case. The only alternatives coming to mind are ...

Thanks, Mark.

Trev

Cheers for the follow-up, Phil!

Appreciate it,

Trev

Thanks, Phil and Luke. Some good points there, many of which I'll most likely incorporate.

Cheers!

Trev

Howdy all, I've come up with a new version of this. Just putting it here (and up top of the thread) in case ye're interested. Yere feedback was very helpful. Thanks. Trev Petite Picasso   Smudges of dirt, strokes of jam, custard, yoghurt and butter – I’ve discovered an exciting secret about my baby ...