The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Is this poem just a bit too prosaic/boring overall?

Any opinions, even brief, would be much-appreciated.

Thanks,

Trev

Hi Eric, I get the voice you're going for here, but I think you've laid it on too thickly. A fairly whimsical piece, in my opinion. Most of your work that I've read is more engaging than this. Sorry for the negative overall critique, but I find such feedback can help when deciding what poems to incl...

Okay, thanks for the follow-up, Dave.

Trev

He guides the monstrous insect down the middle to cleave the task in two, knowing its busy rumble will signal to neighbours and sheep he’s at it again. He knows, too, when grass has been given too much rein.   Why change his process? He lives by order and pattern, forging toward the same corners, o...

Hi Jackie, I didn't really engage with this until near the end. I think it's because the tone felt too prosaic. I'd suggest starting with later parts, where it's more interesting, and working back. For example: Table Etiquette Aunt Forsythia wouldn’t take elbows off the table. Solve this one: why co...

Hi Eric, I found the first two parts okay, but a bit generic. It got into its own in the third part. How about taking a simpler approach and presenting it as one experience, based mainly on the third one but incorporating elements? Example edit below, anyway, for illustration. Hope this helps. Trev ...

Hi Dave, Definitely the second draft for me. Getting more context helps here, for sure. It brings the poem alive more than the first draft. Some specifics below. Hope it helps. Trev Amal waits                    at the gate                                        for a sign [nice placement of lines, ...

Hi Eric and Dave, Thanks very much for yere feedback. I wasn't going for any specific generation in time/history, Dave, just every generation when it reaches/near the age of 40, with similar concerns regarding their future/family, etc. Do you think the poem suffers for the lack of a focus on a certa...

Hi Marc, Nice reflective piece. I like the idea behind it, and I thought you executed it well, though maybe a bit too long overall (it dragged very slightly for me). Some specifics below. Al the best, Trev There is enchantment in distant hills - you wonder could you walk directly to them, crossing s...

They breed on social media, with pink skin wrapped burrito-tight in cotton blankets, wrinkled eyes,   hair as feint as the lines of a globe.   And so it is: another man I knew as a boy packed into a Summerhill desk surrenders to the pageant of parenthood and all its perverse joys.   A cold contagio...