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by TrevorConway
Sun Apr 24, 2022 1:02 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Seasonal
Replies: 5
Views: 1095

Re: Seasonal

Hi Eric, Nice atmosphere here. It felt like it laboured the point a bit, so I wonder if deleting a few lines (the more obvious inclusions) and putting a bit of a different shape on things would help it flow (see example below). The title felt like a working title too. Any other ideas?   Great ending...
by TrevorConway
Mon Apr 11, 2022 1:18 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Living with Carpenter Bees
Replies: 8
Views: 1659

Re: Living with Carpenter Bees

Very nice, Eric. The phrasing was particularly good in the last 2 verses, I thought. Some specifics below. Trev [Delete: They are] dug in under the screen door where my foot swings, where concrete crumbles. [Delete stanza break] Fat [Delete: and fuzzy the] bees scurry [Delete (forced image): as heav...
by TrevorConway
Mon Apr 11, 2022 12:48 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Bin Day
Replies: 5
Views: 1159

Re: Bin Day

Thanks very much for yere input, Eric, Phil and Dave. I might change the hardened faces to some other kind, Phil. Will see. 

I think you're right, Colm, but where does it start to go off: Is it from the coffins line on, or from the weekly past line? Or maybe from the last verse on?

Thanks,

Trev
by TrevorConway
Sat Apr 09, 2022 12:05 pm
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Betrayal
Replies: 13
Views: 3119

Re: Betrayal

Hi Eric and Dave,

Thanks for yere input on this. 

Trev
by TrevorConway
Thu Apr 07, 2022 2:17 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Bin Day
Replies: 5
Views: 1159

Bin Day

One neighbour forgets until she hears the measured yawn of crushed rubbish. She rushes her bin to the road, bed-warm still in her morning robe, to watch the tumbling mess taken like fish in one gulp.   Some bins have spilled their guts to the wrath of a sudden gust. They lie flat across the path an...
by TrevorConway
Thu Apr 07, 2022 2:15 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Scabs
Replies: 9
Views: 1587

Re: Scabs

Hi Colm,

Entertaining stuff. I liked how it ended. I'm tempted to suggest "Status Quo", not "the status quo"  :D .

Trev
by TrevorConway
Thu Apr 07, 2022 2:12 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Finale
Replies: 6
Views: 1404

Re: Finale

Hi Phil, Nice work. I felt the rhythm could've done with a change/shift on first reading, but it grew on me on second reading. I think a stanza break after "cliffs" would help. These facts are true, some more, some less: this room, my photographic myth, the anchored grins, a dreamy mistress, [anchor...
by TrevorConway
Thu Apr 07, 2022 1:36 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: 50 Shades of Blood
Replies: 6
Views: 1019

Re: 50 Shades of Blood

Hi Eric, This is a nice exercise in writing interesting lines with imaginative imagery. Not so fond of it when presented as a finished poem. I'd suggest picking out the highlights (based on your own preferences) and working them into a poem that has some sense of development of theme, something to s...
by TrevorConway
Tue Apr 05, 2022 5:44 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Marrow
Replies: 4
Views: 854

Re: Marrow

Cheers, Jackie. Yes, you could be right. It's very visual.

Trev
by TrevorConway
Tue Apr 05, 2022 1:17 am
Forum: Post Your Poems
Topic: Marrow
Replies: 4
Views: 854

Re: Marrow

Thanks, Eric.

Trev