The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

An easy commentary, Indar.  I can see the spread of the mushrooms - fungus in the valley. :) It also carries that subliminal mushroom cloud image - knee-jerk to my generation. Not sure if it was intended, but fits nicely. I take the last stanza to be one of the 'things we tell ourselves'.  [Everythi...

I like the revision.  You do so well with metered verse, this is no exception.  

One problem the (essentially) prose writer has when switching to poetry, is that they want to fill in the details the way prose-readers demand and like.  Detail is sometimes important in poetry also, but it is picturing detail, rather than progression detail.  -- Sparky Dashforth




 

If there is such as thing as meant to be, this ain't it.  -- the Old Cowboy

Impressive how you weave the theme through so much detail, so much of life. 
The bus stop confession gives great insight into the N's feelings.  
All of the pets form a pattern in N's remembrance.

 

A swirling, spiraling, beautiful narrative.  I add my cheers and admiration. The first three lines are incredible, hit like a hurricane, and echo through the rest of the poem.   The closing three lines are equally powerful, magnificent. I think you have the opening line perfect.  One can visualize i...

Sometimes me is there, sometimes not.

Very well laid open, Mark.  The language is rich, luxuriant without being OTT.  The soft rhymes are well apportioned, giving the piece an echoey feel.  Nice couplet:   green with velvet lavender and plumbago blue, / shaded bouquets unfolding the first scents of dew.    I love how "plumbago blue" ro...

Clever lines.
Can the first line absorb another syllable?
It reads easier for me as :

It strikes me that I'm stricken
or 
It strikes that I am stricken

But perhaps you don't want the iambs.

just asking.

Cheers.

T

I like the ambition of this poem -- the subject is aggressively defined.  I also like how the writer could have stopped at the end of S1 and called it a poem.  The substance of what follows is well worth the risk. I would suggest consider a paring down, something along these lines: We count on other...