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- Sun Apr 24, 2022 1:02 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Seasonal
- Replies: 5
- Views: 1124
Re: Seasonal
Hi Eric, Nice atmosphere here. It felt like it laboured the point a bit, so I wonder if deleting a few lines (the more obvious inclusions) and putting a bit of a different shape on things would help it flow (see example below). The title felt like a working title too. Any other ideas? Great ending...
- Mon Apr 11, 2022 1:18 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Living with Carpenter Bees
- Replies: 8
- Views: 1771
Re: Living with Carpenter Bees
Very nice, Eric. The phrasing was particularly good in the last 2 verses, I thought. Some specifics below. Trev [Delete: They are] dug in under the screen door where my foot swings, where concrete crumbles. [Delete stanza break] Fat [Delete: and fuzzy the] bees scurry [Delete (forced image): as heav...
- Mon Apr 11, 2022 12:48 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Bin Day
- Replies: 5
- Views: 1276
Re: Bin Day
Thanks very much for yere input, Eric, Phil and Dave. I might change the hardened faces to some other kind, Phil. Will see.
I think you're right, Colm, but where does it start to go off: Is it from the coffins line on, or from the weekly past line? Or maybe from the last verse on?
Thanks,
Trev
I think you're right, Colm, but where does it start to go off: Is it from the coffins line on, or from the weekly past line? Or maybe from the last verse on?
Thanks,
Trev
- Sat Apr 09, 2022 12:05 pm
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Betrayal
- Replies: 13
- Views: 3221
Re: Betrayal
Hi Eric and Dave,
Thanks for yere input on this.
Trev
Thanks for yere input on this.
Trev
- Thu Apr 07, 2022 2:17 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Bin Day
- Replies: 5
- Views: 1276
Bin Day
One neighbour forgets until she hears the measured yawn of crushed rubbish. She rushes her bin to the road, bed-warm still in her morning robe, to watch the tumbling mess taken like fish in one gulp. Some bins have spilled their guts to the wrath of a sudden gust. They lie flat across the path an...
- Thu Apr 07, 2022 2:15 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Scabs
- Replies: 9
- Views: 1641
Re: Scabs
Hi Colm,
Entertaining stuff. I liked how it ended. I'm tempted to suggest "Status Quo", not "the status quo" .
Trev
Entertaining stuff. I liked how it ended. I'm tempted to suggest "Status Quo", not "the status quo" .
Trev
- Thu Apr 07, 2022 2:12 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Finale
- Replies: 6
- Views: 1519
Re: Finale
Hi Phil, Nice work. I felt the rhythm could've done with a change/shift on first reading, but it grew on me on second reading. I think a stanza break after "cliffs" would help. These facts are true, some more, some less: this room, my photographic myth, the anchored grins, a dreamy mistress, [anchor...
- Thu Apr 07, 2022 1:36 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: 50 Shades of Blood
- Replies: 6
- Views: 1037
Re: 50 Shades of Blood
Hi Eric, This is a nice exercise in writing interesting lines with imaginative imagery. Not so fond of it when presented as a finished poem. I'd suggest picking out the highlights (based on your own preferences) and working them into a poem that has some sense of development of theme, something to s...
- Tue Apr 05, 2022 5:44 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Marrow
- Replies: 4
- Views: 880
Re: Marrow
Cheers, Jackie. Yes, you could be right. It's very visual.
Trev
Trev
- Tue Apr 05, 2022 1:17 am
- Forum: Post Your Poems
- Topic: Marrow
- Replies: 4
- Views: 880
Re: Marrow
Thanks, Eric.
Trev
Trev