The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Hi Eric,

Thanks for commenting. Yes, that should be "sure", not "ure". I've edited it now. Thanks very much.

Trev

She will watch a saw thrust and retreat, sure as a snake bite, repeating its noisy endeavour, and, as sawdust drizzles to the floor by her little feet, she will reach out a finger.   When a nail disappears into timber with four measured strikes, its head level with wood, she will smile, as if she k...

Hi Jackie, I think the form constrains the poem in a way that feels fairly artificial, so I'd suggest different line breaks. I also think there could be more development. Some specifics below, anyway. Hope it helps, Trev    He extends the remote—it's my choice. I take it for a while And train the cl...

Hi Mark, I understand the sentiment, but I think it's too bluntly expressed. I also agree that distance is more of a factor than skin colour, and maybe it feels like Ukraine is a straightforward invasion whereas conflicts further away might be perceived (rightfully or wrongfully) as something differ...

The page was foreign , like the country in which I’d landed. Months after I’d moulded to its ways, I had nothing to say.   It’s true – I was distracted by tedious tasks, forms to fill, by sun and sea, afternoon drinks, Mediterranean manners,   but these weren’t to blame, nor, indeed, the child who ...

Hi Jackie, A bit too heavy on the abstract for me. I'd like to see some concrete detail and simpler language mixed in. The current approach keeps me at too much of a distance, I find, and I think the title could be improved. I've underlined the phrases that stuck out for me as particularly orignal a...

Cheers, Colm. Sickly to indicate just pale. Maybe it's too much.

Thanks,

Trev

Hi Jackie,

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, definitely a Romantic thing going on, to the detriment of the poem, or maybe more Yeats. He has a poem with a similar theme.

Thanks again,

Trev

Thanks, Dave and Phil. Some very useful feedback there, things that didn't occur to me. Good to get it.

Trev

Hi Phil, There's something particularly nice about this poem. The tone is great, fits the theme very well. The only major overall thing that sticks out is the holding on to the shaped/escaped/scraped rhyme, which felt unnecessary to me and gave the impression of being the remnant of an early draft t...