The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Hi Tracy, Some interesting ideas and phrases here, but it took me a while to get into it. This is a bit of a wild idea, but would you consider experimenting a bit by reversing the order of verses (and removing the 2nd and 4th verses, which I felt were weaker than the rest and seemed to veer away fro...

Very interesting, and I think it works well, Indar, but only in conjunction with teh image. If you ever decide to present the poem without the image, I think some description of the footprint (making it explicit that the footprint resemble the ribbed amoeba) would eb needed. Nicely sinister, as Mark...

Hi Indar, I didn't really get into this. I just didn't find the basic idea interesting enough. One part I did like, though, was this: I stroke the long ribbony leaves of my snake plants, they have such pretty skins. OK, that's a little too intimate isn't it? A poem where the speaker is a little too ...

Hi Dave, Indar and Mark,

Thanks for the feedback. I'll review those linguistic/tense issues soon and try to make things less awkward.

All the best,

Trev

Hi Phil,

Many thanks for your feedback It's much-appreciated. Lots to consider there, which I'll do when i get round to editing this.

All the best,

Trev

Hi Phil,   Nice idea for a poem, and it feels complete. I initially wondered if the pieces strewn were teh crab itself of something the crab killed, but it seems clear it's the former, so it's probably okay unless other reader's struggle with it. Some suggested edits below:   As a boy[comma] I wond...

  When a pillar of water descends from a tap to spread over steel, suds will germinate from green sludge, and they will evolve to a billowing creature of visible cells.   Into its belly, you will shove a rabble of plastic, steel and ceramic, maybe even wood. Warm water will persuade your hands to b...

Hi Dave,   I very much agree that the newer poem is better. The sea/storm metaphor of the original poem just felt too cliched to me, so I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your newer poem only. It works an awful lot better than the other poem because it has so many concrete details specific to y...

Hi Colm,   Nice, simple poem with some well-chosen phrases and ideas. Thanks for sharing. A few things came to mind when re-reading. I’ve added some comments below.     Listening for the smell of snow [not a bad title, though it does feel a bit long-winded. Is “Listening for snow” any better? I’m n...

Hi Qwerty, Very nice poem! I like how the two strands come together at the end especially how you ended it on the more understated idea of learning certainty from him. I thought it could be tightened up in parts, and I didn’t see any great need for the first and last verse breaks. Anyway, some spec...