And on it goes

[Colm Roe]

I see myself silhouetted, a dark figure
on a mountain against the dusk 
as stars open in slow revelation
 
every night they're there.
I should have risen higher,
in those thousands of years
I should have learned enough to lift,
but here I still stand.

Rock gods fuse adhesion to
this spot, this place...to them,
and my feet root in dark festers.

I'm haunted by a dream 

I'm severed from my god,
see myself rise above the mountain 

only to be pulled back
by another child.

 

[Tim J Brennan]

Pretty deep.  Reminds me of the death of Moses on Mount Nebo.  Or maybe something Peter Jackson might think about.  

[Marc Gilbert]

I like this one a lot and love the 3rd stanza. 

Couple minor suggestions:

every night they're there.
I should have risen higher,
in those thousands of years
I should have learned enough to lift,
but here I still stand. -> still is implied and more importantly it softens the sound of the line when the hard declarative seems more fitting.

I go back and forth on this one, but lean toward:

I, severed from my god, -> I like the effect of the pause. The "m" from "I'm" glides a bit too smoothly into "severed"
see myself rise above the mountain 

Super minor stuff. strong poem.

[indar]

Read and reread---I'm certain I'm on the brink of solving the mystery of who/what this figure is. A mythical figure on the order of Sisyphus? a simple soul contemplating a life that could have been better spent (but then why thousands of years?) A song of human evolution as sung by a single voice? Don't tell me---let me guess.

In the meantime I like the play on "stars' revelation" as against their revolution. I'm not crazy about the homophone "they're there in L1 S2.

I love S3. The solidifying effect of inaction is stated in such vivid imagery.

The single line --S4 seems extraneous and interferes with what should be a progression from the rootedness in festers to the severance from a god.

Another child? Again is this the story of a parent who stopped short of flying with angels because of earthly duties or a story of humanity too concerned with the next round of "birthing" of what??-- taming of nature, industrial revolution? tech revolution?

good Poem 

[Colm Roe]

Thanks all for your comments/likes. 
I had to write a poem last night (it's been so long since I've written anything) and was struggling to come up with an idea.
Listening to music on YouTube I saw an image, a silhouette of a person on a mountain top. For all I knew they could have been physically joined. 
Thousands of years of 'civilisation' and we are still stoning women for the crime of being raped...an extreme example. Anywho, we have not evolved/advanced as much as we should have. There are periods of time when we do...but then some politician/religious leader/radical (one of our children) appears, igniting hatred for their own ends; and we devolve.
Sisyphean indeed indar     
It is quite an opaque poem due (in part) to my urgency to complete it.
 

[Matty11]

Having read your explanation Colm, I was surprised that the familiar figure of 'innocence', a child, is used for a negative (your 'evolution' theme).

I felt the first two sections held the interesting imagery and convey the theme.

best

Phil

I see myself silhouetted, a dark figure
on a mountain against the dusk 
as stars open in slow revelation
 
every night they're there.
I should have risen higher,
in those thousands of years
I should have learned
enough to climb further...'climb further' rather than 'lift'?
but here I still stand.

Rock gods fuse adhesion to
this spot, this place...to them,
and my feet root in dark festers.

I'm haunted by a dream ...the dream ref weakens the reality

I'm severed from my god,
see myself rise above the mountain 

only to be pulled back
by another child.................this steers the responsiblity to others rather than self.

 

[Colm Roe]

Having read your explanation Colm, I was surprised that the familiar figure of 'innocence', a child, is used for a negative (your 'evolution' theme).

I felt the first two sections held the interesting imagery and convey the theme.

best

Phil

I see myself silhouetted, a dark figure
on a mountain against the dusk 
as stars open in slow revelation
 
every night they're there.
I should have risen higher,
in those thousands of years
I should have learned
enough to climb further...'climb further' rather than 'lift'?
but here I still stand.

Rock gods fuse adhesion to
this spot, this place...to them,
and my feet root in dark festers.

I'm haunted by a dream ...the dream ref weakens the reality

I'm severed from my god,
see myself rise above the mountain 

only to be pulled back
by another child.................this steers the responsiblity to others rather than self.

'climb further' suggests we've 'climbed' to some degree...I don't think we have.
jury out on the 'dream' line.
The 'I' refers to the collective. And the 'child' is Hitler...or any other person you'd care to mention...they were all children once, and we'll always be nothing more than sheep. Or most of us will be.
Thanks for your comments M 
 

[Dave]

It is seldom a poem annoys me but i am sorry Colm this one does. It is the capacity for self-flagellation and a general obsession with pain keeps us where we are. By using I as a shorthand for humanity you cut yourself from the coming child. If I is us all then you are that child too. Also not getting the diference between the rock gods holding man down and the god he separated from. Can adhesion be fused?
Don't know, this needs more clarity to convince Imo. All the best Dave. Ps glad you are writing again

[Colm Roe]

Thanks for reading and your comments Dave.
I disagree with everything you said...although we never totally agree anyway

[Tracy Mitchell]

Love this Colm -- a personal, metaphysical lament in which religion is only a dream.

"I should have risen higher" rings as a line uttered by The Archer - Sagittarius .

You have imagery of something primal, compelling. Don't apologize for that. Remember -- "poetry does not need to make sense" -- Joan Kane.

The brisk pace of this is uplifting, despite the somber message.

In the nit department. my only recommendation is to consider whether the poem may be advanced by deleting S.2 L.1., and then a period after 'revelation'.

Cheers.

T