Cardigan Bay (revision)

[Matty11]

revision

As a boy,  I wondered
about the jigsaw
strewn across the sand.
The parts are taken
by the waves, dad said.
Salted and cleaned.
I eyed the crab –
pink, hard and quick
to anger, attacking
with a snapping claw
that said do or die.
This flat, wet beach
was a world to hunt.
It scuttled sideways
with eyes on stalks
for watchfulness.
It was an ancient alien.
Will it be made
whole again?
I asked.


original

As a boy I wondered
about the jigsaw
strewn across the sand.
The parts are taken
by the waves, dad said.
Salted and cleaned.
I pictured the crab -
pink, hard and quick
to anger, attacking
with a snapping claw.
This flat, wet beach
was a world to hunt.
It scurried sideways
with eyes on stalks
for watchfulness.
It was an ancient alien.
Will it be made
whole again?
I asked.

[TrevorConway]

Hi Phil,

 

Nice idea for a poem, and it feels complete. I initially wondered if the pieces strewn were teh crab itself of something the crab killed, but it seems clear it's the former, so it's probably okay unless other reader's struggle with it. Some suggested edits below:

 

As a boy[comma] I wondered
about the jigsaw
strewn across the sand. [combine 2nd and 3rd lines into one for more varied rhythm] [Great image, the jigsaw]
The parts are taken
by the waves, dad said. [Maybe use quotation marks or italics unless you change it to past tense, “were”. That said, I didn’t find it confusing]
Salted and cleaned.
I pictured the crab – [anything more striking than “pictured”? Even “I saw” or “I could see”?]
pink, hard and quick [nice adjectives, simple but effective]
to anger, attacking
with a snapping claw. [anything better than snapping? “nervous”? “indignant”?]
This flat, wet beach
was a world to hunt. [combine last 2 lines into 1 for more varied rhythm]
It scurried sideways [“scurried” feels like the obvious verb for a crab – anything better? Even just “It sidestepped”?
with eyes on stalks [maybe it’s just me, but this feels cartoonish; could an image to match the effectiveness of your jigsaw image be used instead of the literal description?]
for watchfulness. [delete line? Feels like a weak point]
It was an ancient alien. [The alien idea doesn’t really fit into the poem’s world, I feel. Delete line?]
Will it be made
whole again?
I asked. [For better effectiveness, change the line order: “I asked, / “Will it be made (or “become”?) / whole again?”]

 

Thanks for sharing, Phil. Feel free to ask any follow-up questions.

 

All the best,

 

Trev

[Matty11]

Thanks Trev. I've made a few tweaks and will ponder the rest. Trying to get that balance between the child viewpoint and the adult resonance, without being too clever with words.

cheers
Phil

[Interlace1]

Gorgeous.
Must say I miss the original, though, esp those watchful eyes.
Not keen on 'to spy the meek' - less naively childlike than the other.

Luke

[indar]

I eyed the crab –
pink, hard and quick
to anger, attacking
with a snapping claw
that said do or die.

I like this so much I'd like to see the crab as a more dominant figure in the poem. As the N eyes the crab the crab surveys its hunting ground from eyes on stalks, scuttles sideways. I'm not certain how the very fine exploration of crabbiness relates to the words of the father. Perhaps I am missing something as I often do.

Linda
born under the sign of the crab 

[Matty11]

Not keen on 'to spy the meek' - less naively childlike than the other.

You are right Luke. I've restored the original there, though I don't feel that is quite right either   Not straightforward this writing malarkey

all the best

Phil

[Matty11]

born under the sign of the crab 

That made me smile Linda

A glum 'death and damnation'  poem I'm afraid, with the child not that keen on a crab 'resurrection' and yet also thrilled by the thought of the 'dangerous' crab, and the father relating the fate of 'evil' things. Well, those were some of my thoughts, but the child's world hooked me most in all its ambiguity and uncertainty of attraction and trepidation.

all the best

Phil