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Small Goals

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TrevorConway
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Small Goals

Post by TrevorConway » Mon Mar 15, 2021 2:01 am

In Dunally, there is sacred ground,
a garden skirted with fir trees
like a sideline crowd in heavy coats.
We’d choose two teams,
careful to shape an equality of skill,
empty cans of gas as goalposts,
eyeing the size the others had given,
no goalie needed,
so stingy the gap.

One brother had balletic balance;
another had great positional sense;
the oldest would twist like a wind-up clock,
sensing the prospect of a bicycle kick
at the hint of a rising ball.
Neighbours came – David Clarke
was clinical, tidy;
Ultan Geraghty was hard in the tackle.
Dad leapt high for headers,
defended with arms spread wide,
so when the ball struck his hand,
we trotted out the same old arguments.

Games went on till dark,
turning on the playroom light
to lend each moment a legible shape,
or we’d see our end
in Dad’s drunken eyes –
sober, but in need of sugar
to cure his diabetic blood.

We’ve run to new patches of earth
– Galway, Dublin, Catalunya, Berlin –
and in the wrung minutes of a warm evening,
miles from the grass you once called home,
such memories are seeds
that allow you to grow.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Small Goals

Post by Matty11 » Mon Mar 15, 2021 8:59 am

Hi Trev
          The sporting context has natural parallels with life experiences and so that is how I read your poem. In that framework, the title could reference the sporting memories, but also opens outs to life's ambitions and escapes.

some thoughts
In Dunally, there is sacred ground, ....sport as a religion
a garden skirted with fir trees
like a sideline crowd in heavy coats...........nice weather image
We’d choose two teams,
careful to shape an equality of skill,.........for competitive game
empty cans of gas as goalposts,.............poverty, making do, resourcefulness...nice sonics
eyeing the size the others had given,............humour
no goalie needed,...............no one wants to be the goalie!
so stingy the gap.

One brother had balletic balance;............'Pele balance' ref footballers rather than high art?
another had great positional sense;........sounds as dry as a TV pundit cliche
the oldest would twist like a wind-up clock,
sensing the prospect of a bicycle kick......................bravado
at the hint of a rising ball.
Neighbours came – David Clarke
was clinical, tidy;.....................sounds as dry as a TV pundit cliche
Ultan Geraghty was hard in the tackle.........like the variety of names for sense of place
Dad leapt high for headers,
defended with arms spread wide,...............like the crucifix image
so when the ball struck his hand,
we trotted out the same old arguments.....'ritual arguments'

Games went on till dark,
turning on the playroom light
to lend each moment a legible shape.... 'legible silhouette' already used shape
or we’d see our end
in Dad’s drunken eyes –...................got lost between drunken/sober
sober, but in need of sugar
to cure his diabetic blood.

We’ve run to new patches of earth
– Galway, Dublin, Catalunya, Berlin –
and in the wrung minutes of a warm evening,
miles from the grass you once called home,
such memories are seeds..............................the game and the 'exotic' of far places
that allow you to grow.

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Small Goals

Post by indar » Mon Mar 15, 2021 12:25 pm

In Dunally, there is sacred ground,
a garden skirted with fir trees
like a sideline crowd in heavy coats.

Really like these opening lines as well as the end lines. Phil enlightened me to the game and known players with his comments and made good suggestions I thought. Here's one nit from me
empty cans of gas as goalposts,

Empty gas cans served as goalposts

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Re: Small Goals

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Mar 17, 2021 1:43 am

Hi Phil and Linda,

Thanks for yere feedback. The main thing I'm hoping is that this poem doesn't feel like too much of a diary poem/the poem equivalent of an in-joke, mentioning prople only I know, as if I'm reliving a joyful memory that has no interest for the reader. Let me know if the latter did come across, though, if ye don't mind. Thanks. 

All the best,

Trev

Matty11
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Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Small Goals

Post by Matty11 » Wed Mar 17, 2021 5:02 am

hi Trev

The poem does not exclude the reader. The reader can relate their own experiences to the content. Lines such as like a sideline crowd in heavy coats are lines I hope to find in poetry: creative. Wordsworth wrote a diary poem, it's called the Prelude!

Phil

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Small Goals

Post by indar » Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:16 am

I take my disinterest in sports such as football and hockey very seriously. But I read the naming of the players as a description of how their differing abilities complimented one another and built a team. That I know nothing about the game doesn't matter because, as Phil pointed out, I can generalize to a broader societal context. I enjoyed the imagery as well.

Soccer, right?

TrevorConway
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Re: Small Goals

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Mar 17, 2021 2:34 pm

Okay, great to know that, you two.

Soccer, Linda, yes.

Trev

Dave
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Small Goals

Post by Dave » Thu Mar 18, 2021 7:52 am

On the whole I enjoyed this a lot- It presented a clear picture of place, people and action. It moves well and the individual characters come across strongly.

There one or two word choices that oen might consider IMO: clearly the 'sacred' ground provides a strong beginning and is an attention grabber. On the other hand, it is a cliche too and a bit over the top even for village football players. The idea does not return later if I read the poem right so really does serve as an attention grabber rather than any deeper sense.

The older brother twisting for the ball is visually stronger but the comparison to the clock does really work I think since I have had clocks you wind but never one that twists.

Finally, the close of the poem seemed a little contrived: it removes the reader from the location and the characters described: this being reinforced by the change of pronoun. The 'we' of the poem dissipates. It becomes a cognitive concluson to a joyful poem.
Dave
 

TrevorConway
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Re: Small Goals

Post by TrevorConway » Sat Mar 20, 2021 3:03 am

Thanks for your input, Dave. Good to know it was generally clear, and to get feedback on strenthening those points.

All the best,

Trev

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