Draft 2
Rain drums
across stretched roofs
burrows into sub-ethers.
Sleep can no longer
hide to the world
the rhythm of my dreams,
and this house
bebops out to sea.
Original
Out of nowhere
apropos of nothing
water drums
a blackness skintight.
Sleep no longer hides
the world from its dreams,
this house
bebops out to sea.
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out of nowhere
out of nowhere
Last edited by Dave on Sat Mar 20, 2021 7:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: out of nowhere
A pleasing image Dave, threads with S2, but S1 and S3 are not keying me into the poem. Will ponder. The skintight blackness equates to depression?this house
bebops out to sea.
best
Phil
Re: out of nowhere
No depression. Matty. Will have to consider the lack of connection to S1 and 3. The poem is obviously and unnecessarily clouding what in my mind was simple.
Dave
Dave
Re: out of nowhere
Nice rewrite. The "stretched roof" relationship to drumming ties it all up
Re: out of nowhere
Another nice phrase dave and, for me, there is now a sense of release in the poem.the rhythm of my dreams,
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TrevorConway
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Re: out of nowhere
Hi Dave,
Fairly nice tone, but not enough detail for me. I know you were being scant with the details on purpose, but it's just too scant for me to grapple properly with the poem. For what it's worth, my understanding is that it's just a snapshot of a moment, rather than a description of something deeper. I may well be wrong, but that was my impression.
Hope that basic feedback helps,
Trev
Fairly nice tone, but not enough detail for me. I know you were being scant with the details on purpose, but it's just too scant for me to grapple properly with the poem. For what it's worth, my understanding is that it's just a snapshot of a moment, rather than a description of something deeper. I may well be wrong, but that was my impression.
Hope that basic feedback helps,
Trev