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Lament of a Late Bloomer

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Lament of a Late Bloomer

Post by indar » Sat Mar 20, 2021 10:52 am

In fifth grade I could draw
better than anybody
except Mary Angela
could draw horses
better than I.

We went to her house,
used a piece of drywall
to chalk a ten foot tall
horse on the street
She knew all the kids
who stopped on their bikes
to watch.

We got drunk
on her father's
homemade dandelion wine,
she put her chameleon
in her mouth, smiled wide
so its head
came out like a tongue.
We laughed like crazy.

She was the one who
made me take
my first puffs
on a cigarette,
held my hair while I threw up
and told me
after a few more times
I wouldn't get sick.

We practiced kissing
in her room
so when a boy came along
we'd know what to do
and I confessed
I really liked Bobby Jameson.

Then she crossed over some line
but I didn't.
She made new friends
so I played house with Anita
and her little-girl baby dolls.

It made me sick
I was so stupid
and ugly
that Mary Angela
had to leave me behind.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Lament of a Late Bloomer

Post by Matty11 » Sun Mar 21, 2021 12:15 am

It made me sick
I was so stupid
and ugly
that Mary Angela
had to leave me behind
The narrative drew me in Linda. As an option, I would cut the concluding lines and finish with the doll playing'. Just a thought.

cheers

Phil

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Lament of a Late Bloomer

Post by Dave » Sun Mar 21, 2021 7:10 am

Hey Linda
I enjpyed the narrative, though I would probably choose longer lines and fewer line breaks as the poem nopw reads somewhat bitty and the some facts are being highlighted deserve less attention than they are getting, for example, 'on her father's' or 'she told me'.

I am also a bit uncertain about the ages. Grade 5 is what age? And what is the age development within the poem that Mary Angela could appear to develop quite fast and the N still play with dolls?

Dave

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Lament of a Late Bloomer

Post by indar » Sun Mar 21, 2021 10:35 am

Thanks Phil and Dave,

This is a very old poem I posted on MWC. "Mary Angela" still connects with me on occasion. For the past several years she has been engaged in trying to convert me to her particular religious views. I remind her that I have a masters in theology and she snorts "book learning" After our most recent phone conversation I looked this poem up. The timeline starts in 5th grade and covers a few years of experimenting with wine and cigarettes. In my original version I stated that Rita was much younger than I but eric (Sparky) was adamant that i should take that out (remember Sparky?)

I plan to rewrite this and will play with line breaks. Maybe I'll add the information about Rita back in--sometime you just have to tell the reader something? Thanks for the input from both of you.

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