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TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Unsaid

Post by TrevorConway » Sat Mar 27, 2021 1:29 pm

I
More than stone or wood, silence
shapes a home,
imbeds itself
like damp in plaster. 

Some fail
to turn out words
from the grind of their thoughts,
in fear of conflict
or nerves exposed. 

Others devote years
to cultivating wordless war,
and this has bent
the air around them.  
 
II
More than the absence of sound,
it’s peace 

and space, 

a workshop to remake your mind
and all that has gathered mould.
  
III
More than the clamour
of children and all they deprive you of,
the lasting lull of their departure
will take the wood of your voice
and strip it,
and it will take time to regrow. 

They’ll return
– maybe with children of their own –
for just a dishevelled moment,
having to inhabit
the homes they’ve built themselves. 

The final silence
is monstrous noise,
metal teeth ripping the walls,
exposing powdery guts of cement,
collapsing it all to conceive a space
for new growth,
new silence,
new loves. 

Matty11
Posts: 1732
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Unsaid

Post by Matty11 » Sun Mar 28, 2021 8:03 am

Drew me in Trevor, some neat phrasing, but at other times some familiar expressions and a need to explain when I feel a tight, fisted mode would be more effective.
More than stone or wood, silence
shapes a home,
imbeds itself
like damp in plaster..................excellent S1 to set tone

Some fail
to turn out words..........................transmute thought to word
from the grind of their thoughts,.......feel you need a more inventive line
in fear of conflict
or nerves exposed.

Others devote years
to cultivating wordless war,
and this has bent.........................like the solidifying
the air around them.  
 
II
More than the absence of sound,
it’s peace

and space,

a workshop to remake your mind......an alchemy to...
and all that has gathered mould......spored mould
 
III
More than the clamour
of children and all they deprive you of,
the lasting lull of their departure
will take the wood of your voice
and strip it,
and it will take time to regrow.....sententious?

They’ll return
– maybe with children of their own –
for just a dishevelled moment,
having to inhabit
the homes they’ve built themselves.

The final silence
is monstrous noise,
metal teeth ripping the walls,
exposing powdery guts of cement,
collapsing it all to conceive a space
for new growth,
new silence,
new loves.

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
Contact:

Re: Unsaid

Post by TrevorConway » Mon Apr 05, 2021 1:46 pm

Thanks for your input, Phil. I immediately agree with more of your edits.

Cheers!

Trev

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