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A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

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TrevorConway
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A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by TrevorConway » Thu Apr 22, 2021 2:31 am

I have a theory:
when adults don’t get coffee,
they go a little crazy.
 
I don’t mean the kind of crazy
like taking off their clothes
and running down the street.
 
No, it’s much subtler than that.
Don’t believe me?
Well, here’s my proof.
 
My father – he’s really quite nice,
but if he leaves without having coffee,
he forgets his keys
and, usually, his socks.
One time, he left me in a shop.
 
My mother – she’s arguably nicer,
but she won’t go to work
until she’s had two cups.
Thus, she’s often late,
and I don’t think her boss likes her much.
 
You might think
it’s something else
that makes them act this way,
but it’s not the case;
I’ve tested all
the parameters, and coffee’s to blame!
 
So, to summarise,
and even to conclude:
a lack of coffee
renders adults
stupid, lazy, forgetful and silly,
and often, downright rude.
 
I just hope,
as I’m sure do you,
the world’s supply
of this fine beverage
doesn’t ever run out,
for, I think it’s clear,
as I’ve stated here,
disaster would ensue.
 

Matty11
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Re: A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by Matty11 » Thu Apr 22, 2021 2:02 pm

I don’t mean the kind of crazy
You've no doubt considered the 'crazy kind', but isn't that the entertainment and surprise factor that would hook a child?
stupid, lazy, forgetful and silly,and often, downright rude.
This is just listing Trev, though I get the child adopting an adult tone.

All feels more flat than subtle.

Not sure that helps much.

Phil

TrevorConway
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Re: A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Apr 28, 2021 9:15 am

Hi Phil,

Thanks a million for the feedback. Appreciate it.

Trev

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Colm Roe
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Re: A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by Colm Roe » Tue May 04, 2021 8:40 am

Hi Trevor,
Its a fun read, but for children I think it really needs to thyme. That should remove the 'flatness' Phil mentioned.

TrevorConway
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Re: A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by TrevorConway » Tue May 04, 2021 12:30 pm

Cheers for your input, Colm. I was hoping to have some poems that don't rhyme in order to show kids that not all poems need to rhyme, but the rhyming ones have tended to be the most satisfying ones, alright, i think (I'll be posting them soon).

Thanks again,

Trev

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Colm Roe
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Re: A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by Colm Roe » Tue May 04, 2021 1:47 pm

OK, I think you'll have to do a serious edit then. Reading it again the problem for me is that it's more prose than poetry.
Rhyme can disguise a poem's shortcomings.
Apols for being so negative Trevor.

TrevorConway
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Re: A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by TrevorConway » Tue May 04, 2021 1:57 pm

No apologies necessary, Colm. Appreciate the honesty.

All the best,

Trev

indar
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Re: A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by indar » Thu May 06, 2021 6:07 pm

Hi Trevor,

I've looked at this one a few times. I wonder what age group you are aiming for. I ask myself at what age would I have found it amusing/instructive. Too young and it would have frightened me to learn coffee makes adults crazy in the way you describe

Saying the N has a "theory" that the form of crazy is more "subtle than taking off one's clothes" that the mother is "arguably nicer" than the father that the N has "tested all the parameters" all sounds too adult to be a child speaking and if its an adult speaking maybe he or she should not be speaking to little children re such false premises. I think the poem needs to be brought up to adult humor or made into something much simpler if it's to be for a child.

"well daddy forgot to put his socks on and wore his shirt upside down and backwards to the office. His boss said it's no excuse that daddy didn't get his morning coffee......

TrevorConway
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Re: A Brief Meditation on Coffee (children's poem)

Post by TrevorConway » Fri May 07, 2021 3:13 am

Hi Linda,

Thanks for that. Interesting take on it, which I'll consider, for sure.

Cheers,

Trev

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