The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Revision2

My photographer friend
frames her latest landscape.
The beginning will never
be present, a bee hum breeze,
nectar tease of unbroken
promises. Nor a tempest end
that bullied her down a hill
huddled with sullen sheep,
the sleepy pillow of clouds
fleeing with their benign god.




Revision

My photographer friend
frames her latest landscape.
The beginning will never
be present, a bee hum breeze,
nectar tease of unbroken
summer days. Nor the tempest
that bullied her down a hill
huddled with sodden sheep,
the sleepy pillow of clouds
fleeing with their benign god.
The photo preserves her belief.


Original

My photographer friend
frames her latest landscape.
The beginning will never
be present, nor the tempest
that bullied her down a hill
huddled with sodden sheep.
The sleepy pillow of clouds
had fled with their benign god.
The photo preserves belief.

Hi Phil,

Nice idea, and some nice aspects of the execution (from the tempest to the benign god). Overall, it felt underdeveloped. Not sure what beginning - the beginning of the journey? Maybe give some details of the landscape (2-4 lines) before going into "The beginning will never..." The last line felt like a leap. It needs more connection with the previous parts, I think. The title also needs to be improved on. Considering the poem is concerned with what isn't described visually, "Negative Space" came to mind. I suppose "Exposure" would also fit both forks of the theme (photography and the rough outdoor experience).

All the best,

Trev  

Thanks Trev. Most helpful. I was tentative about expansion, labouring the theme, but have made an attempt. Will ponder a more dynamic title.

cheers

Phil

Only the photo preserves
her epiphany of belief.

Hi Phil,

I think I know what kind of moment this expresses, how all elements come together in nature to point to something beyond--the moment of some kind of enlightment. I really like the poem except for the epiphany of belief. I think maybe due to the wonderful imagery throughout but then ending in an abstract "tell". 

Thanks Linda. I feel you're right about the ending so have edited. Perhaps belief is weather related

Phil



 

Hi Matty
I really enjoyed this and had no problems with the title or what is the moment. I would suggest a couple of adjustments. The first would be to drop the word 'Nor' as it seems to me all the images belong to the idea of the moment rather be choices about the moment. I know the images contrast - the honey bee moment and the tempest - but then again that would seem to be the point: a photo is a paradox a moment made eternal and yet made incomplete by being static and having a frame. I would also suggest dropping unbroken summer days since it is a cliché - why is it winter days or autumn or spring never seem unbroken? - and the image weakens the beauty of a bee -hum breeze (hyphen?). You could also consider changing the tempest to a tempest, the sleepy to a sleepy.

I would drop the last line altogether and finish with the god.

Dave

Thanks Dave. I've cut the rather leaden end and edited the summer line.

The first would be to drop the word 'Nor' as it seems to me all the images belong to the idea of the moment rather be choices about the moment.

I've kept this because these are moments excluded from the photo.

cheers

Phil

I like the latest revision. I think now you can add some information via the title--something like "fixed image" that conveys your intention in the absence of those final lines you've removed.

Hi Phil,
You're getting enough from Trevor, Linda and Dave, so I won't throw too much into the ring.
The first line should be removed IMO, or if you insist, should be the title...and even then....
If I started a poem with
There's a woman down the road who lives in number 56, she's a photographer, and then continued
without any further comment on your relationship I think you'd wonder why I mentioned her.
Hope this helps.

Thanks Linda and Colm. I have tweaked the title. I'm keeping the opening since it filters the poem for me. There is a relationship aspect in the poem.

cheers

Phil