The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Picture the distances crows fly:

expanses of hedgerows and tree margins
gates being opened and closed, or stiles,
two awkward steps up and trespasses,
across earth anchoring corn into decimated forest
how man has drawn this landscape on which rivers
straighten the ancient softness, cut deeper and rebel.

See how roads harden thoughts into destinations,
how nature’s course now reads like a map, feel
circles and dips, the way a range of vulcanic hills
veer and cut through briar and brush, startled
pidgeons rise with the heat and circle back
towards a distant nest, a ready call for companions.

Nothing is ever far or near, merely tethered or not.

Nice one Dave. Like the general thrust of the poem, the flight over the topography, and especially the concluding thought and See how roads harden thoughts into destinations.

best

Phil

I love this unique vision of how human manipulation of the environment changes our relationship to it in a "humancentric" way that diminishes it somehow. I agree with Phil the standout line is:   roads harden thoughts into destinations.

One thing that I catch on a bit is how the write is constructed on a series of directives: (you) picture the distance; the hedgerows, trees, etc.; see how roads; feel circles. On the one hand it might be a good device to draw the reader in to the experience but on the other hand it seemed a bit much. That might be just me. 

That said I really really like the insights, subtle rhythm and bird's eye imagery in this write
 

Thanks Linda. I have a second version for contrast:

Crows fly over

expanses of hedgerows and tree margins
gates being opened and closed, or stiles,
two awkward steps up and trespassers,
who anchor corn into decimated
forests, or draw rivers straight 
into ancient curves, cut them deeper
until they rebel.

Roads harden thoughts into destinations,
nature’s course now reads like a map, 
circles and dips, a range of vulcanic hills
veer and cut through briar and brush, startled
pidgeons rise with the heat and circle back
towards a distant nest, a ready call for companions.

Nothing is ever far or near, merely tethered or not.

I liked the first line in version 1. I think it would marry well to the rest of version 2 in which the reader is not told once again to "see".

Hi Dave,

Great title, and the poem itself delivered on that promise. This was a real treat. You chose some good things to include, and any of the more obvious ones were described so well that the relative obviousness didn't matter. I guess you wanted symmetry in terms of a single first line and a single last line, but I think your last line could go. The line at the end of the last verse is a better ending, I think. Maybe "a ready call for companions" could be a line by itself?

More specific feedback below.

All the best,

Trev

Picture the distances crows fly:

expanses of hedgerows and tree margins
gates being opened and closed, or stiles, [I like the introduction of action, unexpected so soon]
two awkward steps up and trespasses, ["trespasses" is brilliant here, unexpected grammar/syntax]
across earth anchoring corn into decimated forest [I don't understand fully, but love the phrasing - maybe "to", not "into"?]
how man has drawn this landscape on which rivers
straighten the ancient softness [gorgeous phrase here], cut deeper and rebel. ["rebel" is great here]

See how roads harden thoughts into destinations, [fantastic again]
how nature’s course now reads like a map, feel [This line is more pedestrian. Can you enliven it?]
circles and dips, the way a range of vulcanic hills [not "volcanic"?]
veer and cut through briar and brush, startled
pidgeons rise with the heat and circle back
towards a distant nest, a ready call for companions.

Nothing is ever far or near, merely tethered or not.

Thanks for the comments, kind words and useful tips Trevor. Thanks too for the spelling slip. I will consider your thoughts about the last line - can see the point perfectly. It is a question i guess whether the title is enough for the idea to com across.

Dave

I enjoyed the altered perspective here, and the exploration of perceptions.
The last line is perfect where it is IMO.
Very nice poeming.

Sorry I am so late with this.  I ran a copy when it first got posted and have read it over and over.  It took me while to get my thoughts on paper.

I hold the minority position concerning your title.  In this case I think repetition is not helpful -- title and last line.  The last line is so powerful, wistful, and unexpected.  The title simply makes it expected, and thus takes some of the air out of the balloon.

To  my way of thinking, your first line provides the much better title -- Distances Crows Fly.
This ties more into the thrust of the poem -- that the distance is not physical, but psychological.  the Pigeons can circle back because they are tethered -- raising the question about us.  

Love the poem Dave.

T

 

Mm. Good poem this. I also prefer the wry Distances Crows Fly as a title, brilliant actually. Opens many doors. And it's so much better when tethering is presented as the conclusion of the poem's development. Much to appreciate in this thoughtful composition.