The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

gone to publ land

Overall I like the picture painted here and admire the brevity, though it leaves somethings perhaps a bit too condensed.
The first stanza for example, I guess, tells us that there is no dawn chorus BECAUSE it is too urban and there are many cats (nice idea with the meaows). However, it equally suggests the dawn chorus is too urban. The third verse seems weirdly positioned in the poem and oddly worded. I would drop the prepositions and turn boasting into boasts. Perhaps some small acknowledgement that the Robin is th eonly bird to sing in contrast to S1.
I am having difficulty in placing how the last line of S4 fits with the rest of the stanza.
In the last stanza you might not ' a gesture'

I would also play around, which you probably have done with the order of events.

Good read

Thanks Dave. I've made a few edits in regard to your feedback.

cheers

Phil

The revised version is better.
I like the subtle way the mum is applied here; just a word in the title and a vague nod to one of her signature dishes.
Although I'm thinking it might be better if the title was 'Her Old Watering Can' and you introduced her later by saying something
like 'Perhaps Mum's favourite dish later,'
I see the 'watering' as being a metaphor for memories, e.g. 'watering in dusk' is a way of saying that the N will never forget his parent.
'We water overgrown bramble,
and that stubborn fern,
and those annoying dandelions.' is the N remembering honestly...she wasn't perfect.
The last two lines finish it so well, great use of 'gesture'.
Really like this poem.

Thanks Colm for the thumbs up on the revision and pleased you enjoyed. I like your suggestion, prompted another option, though I need to ponder more on the title (I feel its present clarity sets the tone).

cheers

Phil

One of the reasons for removing Mum from the title is that when I see it in a title the first thing I think is 'Oh God, not more maudlin crap!'
Of course that's not the case here

e reasons for removing Mum from the title is that when I see it in a title the first thing I think is 'Oh God, not more maudlin crap!'

Thank you Jackie. Very much appreciate your sensitive insights. Great that the poem connects in this way with you.

all the best

Phil

I enjoyed this Phil, 

There is much satisfaction in carrying on a tradition that was so loved by preceding generations. Whether its maintaining the garden or something else, the poem is relatable. Sometimes one has to live quite a while to reach full appreciation.

I much prefer the new title and the revision overall.