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Rustic

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Mark
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Rustic

Post by Mark » Mon Aug 16, 2021 11:49 pm

.

Somewhere along the edge of morning
the silent stars retreat in prismatic
points of light through the dew
hanging from barbs on wire

The dawn breathes, offers a nudge
of chill overflowing from boulder pools;
a stone abode, cold window eyes asleep,
grimy with old smoke, slumbers on wearily

A bird's voice peeps hesitantly
over frog songs and cricket calls,
the pond mirror, silver and black,
plops and ripples the radar of fish   

A gray flying insect, swift as danger,
storms onward in anger, transforming
into a sleek dart with potent weapons,
the bladed wings humming with menace.



Edited
 

Matty11
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Re: Rustic

Post by Matty11 » Tue Aug 17, 2021 4:56 pm

hi Mark

Enjoyed the poem. Creative and challenging.

the dew/hanging from barbs on wire - particularly liked 

a stone abode, dark window eyes asleep - do you need dark?

ripples the radar of fish - nice sonics

cheers

Phil

Dave
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Re: Rustic

Post by Dave » Thu Aug 19, 2021 3:01 pm

Hey Mark
I like the first two stanzas in particular. The images were fresh and new and precise. I agree with Matty that dark could go. The third stanza is more conventional, bordering on cliche and less interesting in my opinion, while the fourth stanza is seriously off the wall and introduces a radically different atmosphere, which is hard to place in the context - at least for me.
Dave

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Mark
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Re: Rustic

Post by Mark » Sun Aug 22, 2021 10:20 am

Thanks for comments, guys. This was what i call down a 'head-down' piece where I just sort of free-tap my thoughts onto the keyboard without looking up at the screen until I'm done. In this case just a country scene until the gunship flew in out of nowhere.
I looked up at a scrambled mess and then started creating some order etc. So it kind of is what it is. I guess the piece is about the sudden contrast between bucolic countryside and a hi-tech weaponry attack from the sky, with the implication being a reflection on how this might shock and radicalize the stone-hut peasantry. Let's say it was a Soviet Hind over an Afghan valley in the 1980s.
Dave, I'm uncertain what it is you find to be near-cliche in S3. The scene or the word choices? I used placidity and various fauna as a set-up for 'insect' so the manifestation of the helicopter is abrupt and powerful. That was the contrasting effect I tried to create between S3 and 4.     


The dawn breathes, offers a nudge
of chill overflowing from boulder pools;
a stone abode, window eyes asleep,
cold with aged smoke, slumbers on wearily

Is this better, without 'dark'? Is dark and asleep an absolute association that renders dark redundant? Or should there be another 4-letter modifier? I'm not sure.

Perhaps this is better...

The dawn breathes, offers a nudge
of chill overflowing from boulder pools;
a stone abode, cold window eyes asleep,
grimy with old smoke, slumbers on wearily

That does seem a bit better. Thanks.




 

TrevorConway
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Re: Rustic

Post by TrevorConway » Mon Aug 30, 2021 6:58 pm

Hi Mark,

I see now from your comment what you aimed for with this poem, but that intention wasn't refelcted in my reading experience. I took it as a slow pastoral scene until it suddenly got dramatic at the end. This felt like a strange structure, leaving things unexplored/unfinished. I also thought the shark with weapons was a metaphor for a real insect, but now it seems the shark, which was an insect, was actually a helicopter - too complicated for me. The main issue I see is the tone. It just trundles along. The images and ideas presented could be more interesting if the tone was more varied. And then, give the dramatic change, but make it clear it's not nature anymore, then explore the mayhem. That would be a very interesting turn of events what started out as a pastoral piece.

Hope this feedback helps anyway. Thanks for sharing.

Trev 

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Mark
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Re: Rustic

Post by Mark » Thu Sep 02, 2021 9:22 pm

Trev. Thanks for your take on this, I appreciate the time taken to comment. Just re=reading the piece now, a one-go write, I wonder how it would have been received without S4 at all. Or S2 or S3 for that matter. Cheers, Mark. 


Somewhere along the edge of morning
the silent stars retreat in prismatic
points of light through the dew
hanging from barbs on wire.


 

Matty11
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Re: Rustic

Post by Matty11 » Fri Sep 03, 2021 5:01 am

Definitely more impact.

TrevorConway
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Re: Rustic

Post by TrevorConway » Fri Sep 10, 2021 8:19 am

Hi again, Mark

Well, your explanation for what you wanted to do at the end of the poem did sound interesting, but yes, maybe this is ultimately best as a short, impressionistic piece. I think the phrasing/line breaks could be changed a bit to make it more interesting. Anyway, suggestions incorporated below for clarity, rather than laboured explanations :) :

Somewhere along the edge of morning
stars are prismatic points of light trapped in dew
speared on barbed wire.

Good luck with this,

Trev
 

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Mark
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Re: Rustic

Post by Mark » Sat Sep 11, 2021 4:36 pm

Trev. Thanks for the second look and suggestion. Appreciated. 

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Rustic

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Sep 20, 2021 5:07 pm

Mark,
I am late to the party again, but in my partial defense I printed this off some time ago and have had it in my reading folder--which means I have been through it 8-10 times.  

"Head-down-plow-through" is a wonderful method for a first draft, and it obviously served you well with this.  The poem evidences your stellar 'Poet's Eye'.  The image in S.1 of stars making their morning exit through beads of dew on barbs of wire is incredible. S.2 sings as well with the image of "chill" spilling like water over rocks.  The sound image in S.3 is brilliant as well with the bird voice 'peeping' over the sound of frogs and crickets.

I took S.4 as imagistic as well -- the flying insect appearing as an attack helicopter. Yes -- there is the suggestion of writing through the metaphor to an actual helicopter, but I didn't take it that far literally.  I understood the image to be the encourage notion of the natural world being every bit that dangerous, dramatic, and pointedly real.

Wonderful poeming, Mark. I very much enjoyed this.

T

 

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