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Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
TrevorConway
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by TrevorConway » Fri Sep 10, 2021 8:03 am

Hi Phil,

The revision works well, especially taking away the more laborious opening that was previously there. It's now more interesting, more dynamic. The last verse is a nice addition, too.

Trev

Matty11
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Sat Sep 11, 2021 4:58 am

Thanks for the thumbs up and revisiting Trev

cheers

Phil

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Mark
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Mark » Sat Sep 11, 2021 4:46 pm

Phil. Well, the piece is better and streamlined with S1-3 more understandable for such as me now - but perhaps too still-life abstract for much natural traction. S4 however is perfectly real and engaging - I suddenly remembered creating food volcanoes out of Irish stew as a kid.  :roll:  

Matty11
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Mon Sep 13, 2021 8:37 am

Thanks Mark. Cultural contexts, and individual ones, can be issues for 'traction', but how far does the communication become a diluted compromise?

Phil

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Mark
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Mark » Wed Sep 15, 2021 2:32 pm

Excellent point! We all understand our own poems perfectly well but when they become 'audience' poems, who is the audience? How sophisticated are they? Do we want universal understanding and if so, at what point does the art disappear and it becomes mere communication? 

Orange blossomed over gray

The sun is rising

Same thing, differently purposed. I don't know the answer, it's way too subjective. We do the best we can to clarify beauty or horror or the mundane. Personally, I kind of think of Tracy as my standard universal reader in the back of mind when composing, we've been bouncing stuff around for nearly 10 years now. T has great insight but even so I often just get turnips back.  :mrgreen:

 


 

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Sep 20, 2021 5:17 pm

I don't know if I have this right, but looking at the evolution of the drafts, I think you have a strong notion of what the poem should be and are wrestling with breaking through to the right voice, the right POV.  This happens to me so that's why I think I recognize it.  No suggestions, but I was surprised with the delightful addition in the latest iteration of this endearing gem:

I am a little boy
again, a mountain maker
in steaming porridge.


Cheers.

T

Matty11
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Tue Sep 21, 2021 4:37 am

Wise words T.

I'll have a think.

best

Phil

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Colm Roe
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Colm Roe » Thu Sep 23, 2021 12:01 am

Wonderful bones here, you'll make it whole with a few more tweaks.
A search for simplicity, to dismiss the bullshit and just appreciate.
Like this a lot.

Matty11
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Thu Sep 23, 2021 6:36 am

you'll make it whole with a few more tweaks.
Thks Colm. I'm open to any suggestions!

cheers

Phil

Dave
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Dave » Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:48 am

I like the word tarn and see no problem in it being there unless one imagines that 'torc' in the poem of that name is unfairly obscure. Lake is a blan word that can't come close to the feeling engendered by tarn with its specific hues and atmosphere. Just my take though. Obscure words are why I hate anything written by James Joyce.
Dave
😄

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