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Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

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Matty11
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Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Dawn at Glaslyn, Snowdonia (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Fri Aug 27, 2021 5:48 am

revision2


I, at least, ignore its litter,
those shimmering deceits
of Excalibur and Arthur.

It steals our solitude:
your movie sad mum
naming you Guinevere.

The tarn slowly unfolds
my gran's tablecloth of
pomegranate blooms.

I am a little boy
again, a mountain maker
in steaming porridge.


=======================================

revision

The tarn slowly unfolds
my gran's tablecloth of
pomegranate blooms.

I, at least, ignore the litter
myth, shimmering deceits
of Excalibur and Arthur.

They steal our solitude:
your movie sad mum
naming you Guinevere.

===========================================

original

The tarn slowly unfolds
my gran's tablecloth of
pomegranate blooms.

I choose not to glimpse
the glint, the litter myth
of Excalibur and Arthur.

They steal our solitude:
your movie sad mum
naming you Guinevere.
Last edited by Matty11 on Sun Sep 26, 2021 7:52 pm, edited 6 times in total.

Dave
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn

Post by Dave » Sat Aug 28, 2021 6:31 pm

I really enjoyed stanza one, especially since it favourite words of mine -unfold, pomegranate, bloom. The second stanza is necessary to the poem but I am not so fond of the series of i sounds from glimpse through glint to litter. Not sure why, but probably a combination of the sudden opague meaning and the switch from a soft glimpse to a hard glint. The lines left me - maybe i am being a bit thick - not clear as to what is glinting and how gran's tablecloth gets us to the myth. 

The connection between S2 and 3 is stronger, for me at least, and yet the poem seems almost to be 3 separate poems stitched together.

Interesting stuff nevertheless.
Dave

 

Matty11
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Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Dawn at Glaslyn

Post by Matty11 » Sun Aug 29, 2021 4:45 am

Thanks Dave. I think you are right about the juxtaposition. A lot of Welsh place names carry the baggage of myth, including Glaslyn (supposedly the final resting place of Excalibur). I wanted to convey how these myths intrude onthe personal.
I am not so fond of the series of i sounds from glimpse through glint to litter
This was to convey an 'iciness' as opposed to the opening image of warmth. The 'glint' could be from the sword.

S3 was another allusion to myth/naming that threads into life experiences.

cheers

Phil

AlienFlower
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Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 4:32 pm

Re: Dawn at Glaslyn (revision)

Post by AlienFlower » Sun Aug 29, 2021 3:22 pm

Hi Phil,

I’m understanding tarn/the Glaslyn to be a glacial lake high in the mountains, and N sees in it a personal image and tries to preserve it in the face of invasive myths. Maybe you’re saying the myths are stereotypes of Welshness, or obstruct the possibility of owning Welshness.
 
Personally, I would have liked at the beginning a glimpse of the wonder of the lake at dawn, or of your approach revealing the lake—another stanza even to draw out the personal impression you are trying to show us is superior to the myths. To say it “slowly unfolds” tells rather than shows us. 
 
But that’s because I’m a sucker for the (stereotypical?) beauty of the mountains of Wales, and want N to take me there. Maybe not your poem at all.
 
Much enjoyed,
Jackie

TrevorConway
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn (revision)

Post by TrevorConway » Sun Aug 29, 2021 6:35 pm

Hi Phil,

Sorry not to offer any positives to build on, but if I'm to be totally honest, this poem left me feeling nothing. And maybe, if I'm 100% honest, it felt a bit pretentious in tone, I think. Maybe going at it again in very simple, straightforward language/ideas would lead to something better? I have a feeling there is something interesting here, but right now, it's buried, and I'm kept at a distance from it.

Hope this feedback is of some benefit and isn't too disappointing.

Trev 

Matty11
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Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Dawn at Glaslyn (revision)

Post by Matty11 » Sun Aug 29, 2021 8:40 pm

Thanks Jackie. I am rather reassured by your reading: invasive, personal are key. I will ponder on elaborating.

I find it interesting that glas can translate as green or blue or silver grey, that the Welsh didn't differentiate.

Phil

Matty11
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Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Dawn at Glaslyn (revision)

Post by Matty11 » Sun Aug 29, 2021 8:48 pm

No probs Trev. There are as many aesthetics in poetry as flavours of ice cream. I quite like rum and raisin (no doubt this will change 😀)

Phil

AlienFlower
Posts: 121
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn (revision)

Post by AlienFlower » Sun Aug 29, 2021 9:48 pm

glas can translate as green or blue or silver grey
Fascinating. But then not really, if you're trying to describe sea-color, or lake-color.

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Mark
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Re: Dawn at Glaslyn (revision)

Post by Mark » Thu Sep 02, 2021 10:07 pm

Phil. The meaning of the poem was unfortunately not clear to me. I had to look up tarn, which is either a glacier-formed lake or T-shirt yarn. I couldn't decide which applied best in this apparent entwinement of myth and modernity.     

Matty11
Posts: 1106
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Dawn at Glaslyn (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Fri Sep 03, 2021 4:52 am

Fair enough Mark. I've cut the geographical vocab.

cheers

Phil

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