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AlienFlower
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Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 4:32 pm

Here

Post by AlienFlower » Wed Sep 08, 2021 1:02 am

Here
 
Today in a corner of our deck
the storm walked out on
hail the size of sheep’s poo, 
chalky—new— 
or brown 
where the boards shone through.
Cat’s eyes between the two.
Don’t like things dying on me.

Matty11
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Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Here

Post by Matty11 » Thu Sep 09, 2021 6:35 am

So it is the cat that has died Jackie?

AlienFlower
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Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 4:32 pm

Re: Here

Post by AlienFlower » Sat Sep 11, 2021 3:44 am

Oh, oh. Is it that unclear? No, the cat's eyes are half-melted hailstones that keep their shape so look like marbles. But because they keep their shape they evoke the sad sight of jellyfish stranded on the beach.

Matty11
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Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Here

Post by Matty11 » Sat Sep 11, 2021 4:57 am

Probably me Jackie, I wasn't connecting to the experience.

best

Phil

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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:58 pm

Re: Here

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Sep 20, 2021 5:11 pm

Love this Jackie -- I took the cat's eyes to be those hailstones lodged in the spaces between the deck boards -- where the color of the deck doesn't appear -- where the light illuminates the hail stones.  The dying = melting, dropping through the spaces. 

Love the sounds unfolding -- poo/new/through/two -- and the unexpected and abrupt last line.  Nicely crafted.

T

TrevorConway
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Re: Here

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Sep 21, 2021 7:51 am

Hi Jackie,

This felt like a nice start to a poem, setting a snapshot scene. Then, it seemed to change course suddenly for the last line. What were you tryng to get across in the poem? Maybe teasing out the original intention you had would create a fuller poem. Nice images and language in most of what's there (apart from the sheep's poo :o ). Liked the phrasing of the storm walking out on the hailstones.

Trev

AlienFlower
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Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 4:32 pm

Re: Here

Post by AlienFlower » Fri Sep 24, 2021 9:22 pm

Phil, you know clarity isn't my strength. I'm working on it.

Trev, I appreciate your idea for going further with it; definitely need a push these days. 

T, yes, I guess it's about the beauty/tragedy of this rare thing dying.

Thank you, everyone, your input helps.

Jackie

Matty11
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Re: Here

Post by Matty11 » Sat Sep 25, 2021 7:08 am

Phil, you know clarity isn't my strength. I'm working on it.
I feel clarity is too aligned to simplicity. More a matter of how the reader can experience inside rather than outside the poem.

Dave
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Here

Post by Dave » Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:44 am

Hi Jackie
Interesting poem. I would suggest cutting 'Today' in L1 as an irrelevant detail and a rather typical start to a poem. I would also suggest making this present tense rather than past to increase the immedicacy.

Dave
 

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