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Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

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TrevorConway
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Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Sep 08, 2021 5:32 am

Don’t ask, “what shape must a family take?”
Each family takes its own.
Some children have brothers or sisters.
Other children have none.
 
Some mothers work; some mothers don’t.
It depends on many things.
Fathers sometimes play all day;
others do all the cooking.
 
In some families, there’s no father;
there might be two in others.
Some children who’ve never had a dad
may have the love of two mothers.
 
Foolish people think it’s fun
to laugh at those who are different.
They don’t realise unusual things
are often quite magnificent.
 
So don’t ever think there’s something wrong
if you feel your family’s strange.
The fault is in other people –
it’s their minds that need to change.

Matty11
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Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Post by Matty11 » Thu Sep 09, 2021 12:39 am

I feel this is too didactic, too preachy Trev, though I appreciate the viewpoint.

Phil

TrevorConway
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Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Post by TrevorConway » Fri Sep 10, 2021 1:59 am

Fair enough, Phil. It is very heavy on the didacticness! Thanks for your feedback.

Trev

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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm

Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Sep 20, 2021 5:35 pm

S.2 L.2 & 4 stand out for lack of rhyme.  I am not much of a rhyme guy, but the other stanzas create the expectation.  Just saying.

And for what its worth, sometimes specific poems can exceed the didacticism quotient in good stead, as here, in service to the obvious goal of instruction.

Cheers.

T

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Sep 21, 2021 1:25 am

Thanks, Tracy. I appreciate the feedback, though this might be one for the dustbin, I think.

All the best,

Trev

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Post by Matty11 » Tue Sep 21, 2021 11:24 pm

hi Trev,
             The message is important. A possible structure edit, focus on the examples (probably need more), bookend the messaging...

 
 Foolish people think it’s fun
to laugh at those who are different.
 
Some mothers work; some mothers don’t.
It depends on many things.

Fathers sometimes play all day;
others do all the cooking.
 
Some children who’ve never had a dad
may have the love of two mothers.

In some families, there’s no father;
there might be two in others.
 
The foolish don’t learn unusual things
are often quite magnificent.

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