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Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2021 5:32 am
by TrevorConway
Don’t ask, “what shape must a family take?”
Each family takes its own.
Some children have brothers or sisters.
Other children have none.
 
Some mothers work; some mothers don’t.
It depends on many things.
Fathers sometimes play all day;
others do all the cooking.
 
In some families, there’s no father;
there might be two in others.
Some children who’ve never had a dad
may have the love of two mothers.
 
Foolish people think it’s fun
to laugh at those who are different.
They don’t realise unusual things
are often quite magnificent.
 
So don’t ever think there’s something wrong
if you feel your family’s strange.
The fault is in other people –
it’s their minds that need to change.

Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Posted: Thu Sep 09, 2021 12:39 am
by Matty11
I feel this is too didactic, too preachy Trev, though I appreciate the viewpoint.

Phil

Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Posted: Fri Sep 10, 2021 1:59 am
by TrevorConway
Fair enough, Phil. It is very heavy on the didacticness! Thanks for your feedback.

Trev

Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2021 5:35 pm
by Tracy Mitchell
S.2 L.2 & 4 stand out for lack of rhyme.  I am not much of a rhyme guy, but the other stanzas create the expectation.  Just saying.

And for what its worth, sometimes specific poems can exceed the didacticism quotient in good stead, as here, in service to the obvious goal of instruction.

Cheers.

T

Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2021 1:25 am
by TrevorConway
Thanks, Tracy. I appreciate the feedback, though this might be one for the dustbin, I think.

All the best,

Trev

Re: Family Form (children's poem, needs a better title)

Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2021 11:24 pm
by Matty11
hi Trev,
             The message is important. A possible structure edit, focus on the examples (probably need more), bookend the messaging...

 
 Foolish people think it’s fun
to laugh at those who are different.
 
Some mothers work; some mothers don’t.
It depends on many things.

Fathers sometimes play all day;
others do all the cooking.
 
Some children who’ve never had a dad
may have the love of two mothers.

In some families, there’s no father;
there might be two in others.
 
The foolish don’t learn unusual things
are often quite magnificent.