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Torc (revision2)

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Matty11
Posts: 1106
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Torc (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Tue Sep 21, 2021 5:18 am

revision2

Those gleaming pools of mud, a bracelet
around the mound, noose a muddled mind.

She found a Celtic Cross in a graveyard;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.

I'd burn those scrolls that cipher digging days.
But I'm wedded. A torc, for love, I will find.



revision

Those gleaming pools of mud, a bracelet
around the mound, noose a muddled mind.
Perhaps that braid of runes across her back
unlocks a book, kneels her for digging days.

She found a Celtic Cross in a graveyard;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
I'd burn those scrolls that cipher her in mind.
But I'm wedded. A torc, for love, I will find.

==================================================

original

Those gleaming pools of mud, a bracelet
around the mound, noose a muddled mind.
Perhaps that braid of runes across her back
unlocks a book, kneels her to dig. She found

a Celtic Cross last year in a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Those scrolls cipher her head - I'd burn
but I'm wedded. We dig. For love, I find.
Last edited by Matty11 on Fri Oct 01, 2021 6:26 am, edited 4 times in total.

TrevorConway
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Re: Torc

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Sep 21, 2021 7:44 am

Hi Phil,

Nice atmosphere going on here. I guess if the logic/thought was a bit clearer overall, it would help. It felt clearer, and thus that extra bit more interesting/engaging/enjoyable, in the first 2 lines of the second verse. There, it seemed like the theme/reason for writing the poem was coming through, but it was buried a bit too deep in other parts. So, I'd suggest keeping all you have here, as it's good stuff, but adding more. To me, it feels like the poem could be another half or more longer. Apart from that, a few of the line breaks chosen didn't work well for the poem, I thought, forcing it into a rhythm that didn't suit. Maybe line breaks can be arbitrary, but anyway, just to give an idea, I've applied different line breaks below. Something to mull over, whether you go with any of them or not.

All the best,

Trev  


Those gleaming pools of mud, a bracelet
around the mound, noose a muddled mind.
Perhaps that braid of runes across her back
unlocks a book, kneels her to dig.

She found a Celtic Cross last year in a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Those scrolls cipher her head - I'd burn
but I'm wedded.
We dig.
For love, I find.

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Gyppo
Posts: 752
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:28 pm
Location: UK

Re: Torc

Post by Gyppo » Tue Sep 21, 2021 3:58 pm

I'm intrigued by the 'braid of runes across her neck'.

Is this jewellery, the 'torc' of the title,  a tattoo, or hair falling into a random but seemingly significant pattern?  My imagination sees all three and can't decide ;-)

Gyppo
I've been writing ever since I realised I could.  Storytelling since I started talking.  Poetry however comes and goes  ;-)

Matty11
Posts: 1106
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Torc (revised)

Post by Matty11 » Wed Sep 22, 2021 9:05 am

Thanks Trev and Gyppo. I've had a fiddle with words/order for, hopefully, more clarity.

cheers

Phil

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Colm Roe
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Re: Torc (revised)

Post by Colm Roe » Sun Sep 26, 2021 1:17 am

Hi Phil,
Reads like an original love poem. Celebrating the mysteries of mythology and the fairer sex.
I enjoyed them, and think the revision is better.

Dave
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Torc (revised)

Post by Dave » Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:31 am

Hi Matty
While I enjoyed stanza 1 for itself, I found S2 to be more complete and would be just as happy seeing it stand alone as a poem in itself. It is a whole playlet with characters, story and pay off.
Dave
 

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Mark
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Re: Torc (revised)

Post by Mark » Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:24 pm

A whimsical feel to this enjoyable read. Just curious, are Celtic crosses associated with Christianity or of separate origin? My understanding is that the Celtic culture predates the Christian era. 

Matty11
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Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Torc (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Mon Sep 27, 2021 10:37 am

Thanks Dave, Colm, Mark.

I like your shrinkage option Dave, but kept L1-2.

Mark the cross is Christian, but no doubt influenced by local culture.

Cheers

Phil

Dave
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Torc (revision2)

Post by Dave » Mon Sep 27, 2021 4:48 pm

a really good second revision.
 

Matty11
Posts: 1106
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Torc (revision2)

Post by Matty11 » Wed Sep 29, 2021 10:16 am

Thanks Dave. And for the help.

cheers

Phil

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