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I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
TrevorConway
Posts: 116
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 9:30 pm
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I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Sep 21, 2021 7:53 am

NEW VERSION

Petite Picasso
 
Smudges of dirt,
strokes of jam,
custard, yoghurt and butter –
I’ve discovered
an exciting secret
about my baby sister.
 
Our sitting room table is a canvas to her:
where we see plates,
she sees texture and colour,
and all she makes
is very abstract,
enough to make you ponder.
 
She even exhibits
her latest work,
holding objects drenched in soup.
Then, she makes an unusual sound,
which could be a title,
or maybe a burp.
 
I’m thinking of charging
a fee at our door
for anyone who wishes to enter.
They’d walk around and see her work,
might even buy
the vomit in the corner.
 
However, I’ll need
to convince my parents
not to fill the dishwasher:
“Mum and dad, I have something to share:
my baby sister
is a secret painter!”


ORIGINAL VERSION

Smudges of dirt,
green and brown,
custard and butter,
yoghurt spread in great big strokes:
I think my baby sister
might be a painter.
 
Our sitting room table,
it’s a canvas to her –
where we see plates,
she sees possibilities of texture and colour,
and all her work is abstract,
the kind that makes you ponder.
 
She even exhibits
her latest work,
holding up objects
drenched in juice or some other liquid.
Usually, there follows an obscure sound.
It could be a title, or maybe a burp.
 
I might charge a fee
to enter our home,
to wander and wonder
at all the pieces she’s put on display.
Of particular interest to some
might be the vomit in the corner.
 
However, I’ll need
to convince my parents
not to fill the dishwasher.
“Mum and dad,” I’ll tell them,
“I think my baby sister
might be a painter.”
 
Last edited by TrevorConway on Sat Oct 30, 2021 8:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Gyppo
Posts: 755
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:28 pm
Location: UK

Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by Gyppo » Tue Sep 21, 2021 3:53 pm

I rather enjoyed this.

Your baby sister may indeed be a painter, and your words paint a vivid picture of her output.  The dishwasher plays the role of the unfeeling critic ;-)

Gyppo
I've been writing ever since I realised I could.  Storytelling since I started talking.  Poetry however comes and goes  ;-)

Matty11
Posts: 1148
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by Matty11 » Wed Sep 22, 2021 5:50 am

Fun piece Trev. Can see it. The POV is a good idea.

Some options...
Smudges of dirt,
green and brown,
custard and butter,
yoghurt spread in
sweeping strokes:
I think my baby sister
might be a painter.
 
Our sitting room table,
it’s a canvas to her –
where we see plates,
she sees the possibilities
of texture and colour,
her work is abstract,
it makes you laugh,
it makes you ponder.
 
She exhibits
her latest,
holding up objects
drenched in juice
or combo liquids
or stranger stuff.
Always, there follows
performance sounds;
a chuckle, a burp,
her very loud claps.
 
I might charge a fee
to enter our home,
to wander and wonder
at all the great work -
including that sludge
in vomit corner.
 
However, I’ll need
to convince my parents
not to fill the dishwasher.
“Mum and dad,” I’ll tell them,
“I think my baby sister
might be a painter.”

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Colm Roe
Posts: 1972
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by Colm Roe » Wed Sep 22, 2021 11:37 pm

Like this a lot Trev.
Possibly replace 'painter' with 'artist'? After all, she doesn't restrict herself to any particular medium :)

AlienFlower
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 4:32 pm
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Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by AlienFlower » Fri Sep 24, 2021 10:37 pm

Hi Trev,
This was fun. I especially enjoyed the sections where things are moving along. Could you remove some of the reflection from the beginning? To me, it slows things down.
For example, could you possibly do without “spread” in S1? And the last two lines of that stanza? 
Could you also do without “possibilities of” in S2? And the last two lines of that stanza?
 
I love your final punch lines, but not when you’ve used them before. Any chance of a different title?
(BTW, isn’t title in S3 actually tittle? It sounds a little sophisticated for a small child.)
Jackie

Dave
Posts: 1249
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by Dave » Sun Sep 26, 2021 11:28 am

As is often with our poetry, this is fun and visually strong and yet it feels over-written and could be parsed IMO to cut the unnecessary extras. For the sake of dynamics I could imagine adding from a couple of stronger verbs.
It is clear some changes would also affect the rhythm and the line length but could be adjusted for.

For example, removing it's in L2 would not lose anything and make teh lines simpler and more direct:
Our sitting room table
is a canvas to her.

I agree with Alienflower that possibilities could go as it is redundant and abstract and that spread is unnecessary. Generally I would suggest looking for further edits, perhaps 'I think' since this is very obvious.

Hope this helps
Dave
 

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Mark
Posts: 443
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:19 am

Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by Mark » Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:19 pm

An enjoyable read. I do think it's perhaps too long. Cutting the last 2 stanzas would change the dynamic. 

TrevorConway
Posts: 116
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 9:30 pm
Contact:

Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by TrevorConway » Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:38 pm

Thanks for the feedback on this one, everyone. I can see it needs work, but good to get the positive overall response.

Much-appreciated,

Trev

TrevorConway
Posts: 116
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 9:30 pm
Contact:

Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by TrevorConway » Sat Oct 30, 2021 8:06 am

Howdy all,

I've come up with a new version of this. Just putting it here (and up top of the thread) in case ye're interested. Yere feedback was very helpful. Thanks.

Trev


Petite Picasso
 
Smudges of dirt,
strokes of jam,
custard, yoghurt and butter –
I’ve discovered
an exciting secret
about my baby sister.
 
Our sitting room table is a canvas to her:
where we see plates,
she sees texture and colour,
and all she makes
is very abstract,
enough to make you ponder.
 
She even exhibits
her latest work,
holding objects drenched in soup.
Then, she makes an unusual sound,
which could be a title,
or maybe a burp.
 
I’m thinking of charging
a fee at our door
for anyone who wishes to enter.
They’d walk around and see her work,
might even buy
the vomit in the corner.
 
However, I’ll need
to convince my parents
not to fill the dishwasher:
“Mum and dad, I have something to share:
my baby sister
is a secret painter!”
 

Matty11
Posts: 1148
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter

Post by Matty11 » Mon Nov 01, 2021 5:41 pm

General thumbs up Trev. Like the new title (could end with it as well... my baby sister/is a Picasso painter!).

Phil

afterthought...splodges of jam

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