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I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2021 1:53 am
by TrevorConway
NEW VERSION
Petite Picasso
Smudges of dirt,
strokes of jam,
custard, yoghurt and butter –
I’ve discovered
an exciting secret
about my baby sister.
Our sitting room table is a canvas to her:
where we see plates,
she sees texture and colour,
and all she makes
is very abstract,
enough to make you ponder.
She even exhibits
her latest work,
holding objects drenched in soup.
Then, she makes an unusual sound,
which could be a title,
or maybe a burp.
I’m thinking of charging
a fee at our door
for anyone who wishes to enter.
They’d walk around and see her work,
might even buy
the vomit in the corner.
However, I’ll need
to convince my parents
not to fill the dishwasher:
“Mum and dad, I have something to share:
my baby sister
is a secret painter!”
ORIGINAL VERSION
Smudges of dirt,
green and brown,
custard and butter,
yoghurt spread in great big strokes:
I think my baby sister
might be a painter.
Our sitting room table,
it’s a canvas to her –
where we see plates,
she sees possibilities of texture and colour,
and all her work is abstract,
the kind that makes you ponder.
She even exhibits
her latest work,
holding up objects
drenched in juice or some other liquid.
Usually, there follows an obscure sound.
It could be a title, or maybe a burp.
I might charge a fee
to enter our home,
to wander and wonder
at all the pieces she’s put on display.
Of particular interest to some
might be the vomit in the corner.
However, I’ll need
to convince my parents
not to fill the dishwasher.
“Mum and dad,” I’ll tell them,
“I think my baby sister
might be a painter.”
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2021 9:53 am
by Gyppo
I rather enjoyed this.
Your baby sister may indeed be a painter, and your words paint a vivid picture of her output. The dishwasher plays the role of the unfeeling critic
Gyppo
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2021 11:50 pm
by Matty11
Fun piece Trev. Can see it. The POV is a good idea.
Some options...
Smudges of dirt,
green and brown,
custard and butter,
yoghurt spread in
sweeping strokes:
I think my baby sister
might be a painter.
Our sitting room table,
it’s a canvas to her –
where we see plates,
she sees the possibilities
of texture and colour,
her work is abstract,
it makes you laugh,
it makes you ponder.
She exhibits
her latest,
holding up objects
drenched in juice
or combo liquids
or stranger stuff.
Always, there follows
performance sounds;
a chuckle, a burp,
her very loud claps.
I might charge a fee
to enter our home,
to wander and wonder
at all the great work -
including that sludge
in vomit corner.
However, I’ll need
to convince my parents
not to fill the dishwasher.
“Mum and dad,” I’ll tell them,
“I think my baby sister
might be a painter.”
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2021 5:37 pm
by Colm Roe
Like this a lot Trev.
Possibly replace 'painter' with 'artist'? After all, she doesn't restrict herself to any particular medium
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2021 4:37 pm
by AlienFlower
Hi Trev,
This was fun. I especially enjoyed the sections where things are moving along. Could you remove some of the reflection from the beginning? To me, it slows things down.
For example, could you possibly do without “spread” in S1? And the last two lines of that stanza?
Could you also do without “possibilities of” in S2? And the last two lines of that stanza?
I love your final punch lines, but not when you’ve used them before. Any chance of a different title?
(BTW, isn’t title in S3 actually tittle? It sounds a little sophisticated for a small child.)
Jackie
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2021 5:28 am
by Dave
As is often with our poetry, this is fun and visually strong and yet it feels over-written and could be parsed IMO to cut the unnecessary extras. For the sake of dynamics I could imagine adding from a couple of stronger verbs.
It is clear some changes would also affect the rhythm and the line length but could be adjusted for.
For example, removing it's in L2 would not lose anything and make teh lines simpler and more direct:
Our sitting room table
is a canvas to her.
I agree with Alienflower that possibilities could go as it is redundant and abstract and that spread is unnecessary. Generally I would suggest looking for further edits, perhaps 'I think' since this is very obvious.
Hope this helps
Dave
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2021 12:19 pm
by Mark
An enjoyable read. I do think it's perhaps too long. Cutting the last 2 stanzas would change the dynamic.
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2021 12:38 pm
by TrevorConway
Thanks for the feedback on this one, everyone. I can see it needs work, but good to get the positive overall response.
Much-appreciated,
Trev
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2021 2:06 am
by TrevorConway
Howdy all,
I've come up with a new version of this. Just putting it here (and up top of the thread) in case ye're interested. Yere feedback was very helpful. Thanks.
Trev
Petite Picasso
Smudges of dirt,
strokes of jam,
custard, yoghurt and butter –
I’ve discovered
an exciting secret
about my baby sister.
Our sitting room table is a canvas to her:
where we see plates,
she sees texture and colour,
and all she makes
is very abstract,
enough to make you ponder.
She even exhibits
her latest work,
holding objects drenched in soup.
Then, she makes an unusual sound,
which could be a title,
or maybe a burp.
I’m thinking of charging
a fee at our door
for anyone who wishes to enter.
They’d walk around and see her work,
might even buy
the vomit in the corner.
However, I’ll need
to convince my parents
not to fill the dishwasher:
“Mum and dad, I have something to share:
my baby sister
is a secret painter!”
Re: I Think My Baby Sister Might be a Painter
Posted: Mon Nov 01, 2021 11:41 am
by Matty11
General thumbs up Trev. Like the new title (could end with it as well... my baby sister/is a Picasso painter!).
Phil
afterthought...splodges of jam