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currency

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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

currency

Post by Dave » Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:07 am

Alternative version

Broke but not quite broken
his veins surface in bubbling
blue exclamation marks,

their rage simmers
beneath a defiant smile,

he trades thank-you for food
on this market of cruelties.

original

You can see their brokenness;
veins surface in bubbling blue
exclamation marks on dry skin.

In full view outside the station,
defiant among the passing feet,
their rage simmers behind shame.

Despite all this, their currency
on this market of cruelties
is a smile and its thank-you.
Last edited by Dave on Mon Sep 27, 2021 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Gyppo
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Location: UK

Re: currency

Post by Gyppo » Sun Sep 26, 2021 9:32 am

Dave, you've captured the homeless well.

The 'bubbling blue exclamation marks' on dry skin' is particularly evocative.  Personally I'd rather see the simmering rage than the soul-dead empty-eyed apathy displayed by some.  There's still hope for the ones with a quiet rage in their eyes.

I like the concept of the smile as universal currency.  Even if the only animal which bares it's teeth as a sign of friendship is man.

Gyppo
I've been writing ever since I realised I could.  Storytelling since I started talking.  Poetry however comes and goes  ;-)

Matty11
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Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: currency

Post by Matty11 » Sun Sep 26, 2021 12:24 pm

Great title. It's when they say have a nice day...that resonates. Yep, transactional smiles!

Good one

Phil

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Mark
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Re: currency

Post by Mark » Sun Sep 26, 2021 12:50 pm

Is it currency on or currency in? Tricky subject but a good perspective. 

TrevorConway
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Re: currency

Post by TrevorConway » Sun Sep 26, 2021 12:52 pm

Hi Dave,

Nice central idea/metaphor. Overall, I think you just skimmed the surface here. Lots of depth to explore. Different types of people, how they interact or don't (including, for example, the well-intentioned who sometimes stop to chat for a bit, other homeless, etc.). Differences between time of day. Place chosen. Plenty of other parameters. You might not wish to go into lots in the one poem, of course, but I do think some more depth is needed.

The market of cruelties idea seems unexplored/unexplained. It implies cruelties from both sides, I think, but in way are the homeless cruel? No need to spell it out, just more of an idea needed.

I quite like the title, by the way.


You can see their brokenness; ["You can see" feels unimaginative here]
veins surface in bubbling blue [Lovely]
exclamation marks on dry skin. [Very nice image]

In full view outside the station, ["In full view" could be fresher]
defiant among the passing feet, [Maybe more image-based than "definat"?]
their rage simmers behind shame. [This feels very tell-y. The only really big bum note for me]

Despite all this, their currency
on this market of cruelties
is a smile and its thank-you. ["despite all this" made it feel too prosey, and I think the last line, while okay, could be improved. How about coming up with a new one, preceded by "Their currency, in this markey of cruelties, / is a smile and its thank you"?

Hope the feedback helps, Dave.

All the best,

Trev

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: currency

Post by Dave » Mon Sep 27, 2021 10:56 am

Thanks for all the comments, most helpful.

And thank you Trevor for going into such detail.

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Colm Roe
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Re: currency

Post by Colm Roe » Tue Sep 28, 2021 7:34 pm

I started with a few minor suggestions, combining parts of the two versions; then became Dr. Frankenstein :shock:
Apologies, but I couldn't help myself.
Anywho, I like this a lot and think it's still hidden somewhere between the two versions...with a few tweaks.


Broke but not quite broken
his veins surface in bubbling, blue
exclamation marks.

Outside the station, he sits
defiant amongst the passing feet, indifference
and smiles that conceal guilt
or worse

trading 'thank-you's' for food
on this market of cruelties. 'on' is correct here; you trade on a stock market.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: currency

Post by Matty11 » Wed Sep 29, 2021 4:14 am

Dave,
           I feel his/their/he is confusing in the revision. I don't have a preference between the versions.

Phil

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: currency

Post by indar » Sat Nov 06, 2021 11:56 am

Interesting, as I read this it occurred to me how seldom the folks who stand at the freeway exits and in the Walmart parking lot in my neck of the woods say "thank you". Instead they say "God bless you". And I always think to myself that wish for the giver probably makes the givers feel good about themselves. But how, I wonder, can the wishers of God's blessings explain those blessings to themselves. Perhaps it's not something they really believe in.

I prefer the rewrite but am left wanting more insight into the person observed in this snapshot. In America he might be a Viet Nam vet still wearing shabby fatigues. Or the guy I recently saw who smacked his fist into a traffic sign when vehicles passed him by.

I would love to see this expanded on a bit but then, I often get suggestions to cull out verbiage in my writing.

Important poem/subject. 

 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: currency

Post by Dave » Sun Nov 07, 2021 10:46 am

Hi Indar
Thanks for the comments -it's great to have you commenting again. Yes it has been said about this poem before that it lacks the extra detail to add true empathy and impact. I agree with those comments and yet I simply am not so motivated to provide that in this poem. The people I see on the street begging are indeed so various and diverse - as diverse as the non-beggars in fact - that I could not provide one typical profile. Here in germany certainly there are no vets and God is not much of an issue in Europe. Apparently he left for the US in the 18th century.

Dave
 

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