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currency

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Dave
Posts: 1227
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

currency

Post by Dave » Sun Sep 26, 2021 12:07 pm

Alternative version

Broke but not quite broken
his veins surface in bubbling
blue exclamation marks,

their rage simmers
beneath a defiant smile,

he trades thank-you for food
on this market of cruelties.

original

You can see their brokenness;
veins surface in bubbling blue
exclamation marks on dry skin.

In full view outside the station,
defiant among the passing feet,
their rage simmers behind shame.

Despite all this, their currency
on this market of cruelties
is a smile and its thank-you.
Last edited by Dave on Mon Sep 27, 2021 5:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Gyppo
Posts: 752
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:28 pm
Location: UK

Re: currency

Post by Gyppo » Sun Sep 26, 2021 3:32 pm

Dave, you've captured the homeless well.

The 'bubbling blue exclamation marks' on dry skin' is particularly evocative.  Personally I'd rather see the simmering rage than the soul-dead empty-eyed apathy displayed by some.  There's still hope for the ones with a quiet rage in their eyes.

I like the concept of the smile as universal currency.  Even if the only animal which bares it's teeth as a sign of friendship is man.

Gyppo
I've been writing ever since I realised I could.  Storytelling since I started talking.  Poetry however comes and goes  ;-)

Matty11
Posts: 1106
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: currency

Post by Matty11 » Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:24 pm

Great title. It's when they say have a nice day...that resonates. Yep, transactional smiles!

Good one

Phil

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Mark
Posts: 430
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:19 am

Re: currency

Post by Mark » Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:50 pm

Is it currency on or currency in? Tricky subject but a good perspective. 

TrevorConway
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Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 9:30 pm
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Re: currency

Post by TrevorConway » Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:52 pm

Hi Dave,

Nice central idea/metaphor. Overall, I think you just skimmed the surface here. Lots of depth to explore. Different types of people, how they interact or don't (including, for example, the well-intentioned who sometimes stop to chat for a bit, other homeless, etc.). Differences between time of day. Place chosen. Plenty of other parameters. You might not wish to go into lots in the one poem, of course, but I do think some more depth is needed.

The market of cruelties idea seems unexplored/unexplained. It implies cruelties from both sides, I think, but in way are the homeless cruel? No need to spell it out, just more of an idea needed.

I quite like the title, by the way.


You can see their brokenness; ["You can see" feels unimaginative here]
veins surface in bubbling blue [Lovely]
exclamation marks on dry skin. [Very nice image]

In full view outside the station, ["In full view" could be fresher]
defiant among the passing feet, [Maybe more image-based than "definat"?]
their rage simmers behind shame. [This feels very tell-y. The only really big bum note for me]

Despite all this, their currency
on this market of cruelties
is a smile and its thank-you. ["despite all this" made it feel too prosey, and I think the last line, while okay, could be improved. How about coming up with a new one, preceded by "Their currency, in this markey of cruelties, / is a smile and its thank you"?

Hope the feedback helps, Dave.

All the best,

Trev

Dave
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Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: currency

Post by Dave » Mon Sep 27, 2021 4:56 pm

Thanks for all the comments, most helpful.

And thank you Trevor for going into such detail.

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Colm Roe
Posts: 1922
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: currency

Post by Colm Roe » Wed Sep 29, 2021 1:34 am

I started with a few minor suggestions, combining parts of the two versions; then became Dr. Frankenstein :shock:
Apologies, but I couldn't help myself.
Anywho, I like this a lot and think it's still hidden somewhere between the two versions...with a few tweaks.


Broke but not quite broken
his veins surface in bubbling, blue
exclamation marks.

Outside the station, he sits
defiant amongst the passing feet, indifference
and smiles that conceal guilt
or worse

trading 'thank-you's' for food
on this market of cruelties. 'on' is correct here; you trade on a stock market.

Matty11
Posts: 1106
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: currency

Post by Matty11 » Wed Sep 29, 2021 10:14 am

Dave,
           I feel his/their/he is confusing in the revision. I don't have a preference between the versions.

Phil

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