Hi Dave,
Just touching base again - I actually prefer the original one. I find the new first line a touch corny, I suppose, and the phrasing of the original poem is generally better, I think.
All the best,
Trev
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TrevorConway
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Re: currency
Hi Dave,
I like the opening and closing of the revision, but in general prefer the original because it evokes such emotional images such as their view of the passing feet. Also, the revision does a lot of back-and-forth between he and they.
I'd be tempted to write the whole poem as one sentence, almost. If it were mine.
Thank you for this glimpse of life for these folks.
Jackie
I like the opening and closing of the revision, but in general prefer the original because it evokes such emotional images such as their view of the passing feet. Also, the revision does a lot of back-and-forth between he and they.
I'd be tempted to write the whole poem as one sentence, almost. If it were mine.
Thank you for this glimpse of life for these folks.
Jackie