The Wisdom of Birds (revision2)

[Matty11]

sent to publ world

[TrevorConway]

Hi Phil,

Fairly nice setting/atmosphere here, as with most of your work I've read. The first verse sets up some expectations/questions (Why waiting for memories? Why parked in the car - waiting for someone? Who? With whom is there a failure to communicate, and about what?). These don't get explored in the poem. Instead, it swerves towards the starlings. I think you need to explore the things you have set up, as it would give the poem some depth. "I need to be blind" might be a good line if it was set up with some context, but here, it feels a bit random, I think. Is the gist of it that the speaker needs to be blind in order not to see things that are happier than him/her? I feel like I'm just taking a stab at what you meant rather than having a confident sense of what you meant. The latter would come with more context given in the poem.

I do like the waiting for memories idea, just not the fact that it isn't explored. The description of the starlings is great: neatly penned in togetherness, hearing murmurs along the wire, "a braille of starlings" (great one!)

All the best,

Trev
 

[Matty11]

Thanks Trev.

There is a reason for the swerve. I've edited the title for the more literary connection.

cheers

Phil

[Colm Roe]

Yes, "a braille of starlings" is a really wonderful image.
I read human loneliness in S1 compared to the quiet, communality of the starlings.
They nest in the eaves in my house and crap on my freshly washed car. But I defend their chicks
(when I can) from the magpies. I know I shouldn't.
So much to like about starlings...especially their vast vocabulary and spellbinding murmurations.
Enjoyed the poem Phil.

[Matty11]

I read human loneliness in S1 compared to the quiet, communality of the starlings.

Exactly Colm.

Yes, animal crap is a nuisance. My neighbour's cat in particular. And those fields of cowpats. My fence is a riot of abstract expressionism - pigeons! Still it could be worse. At least they don't tie dog bags to trees

[AlienFlower]

Phil, I love the way the word braille works so powerfully in “a braille of starlings;” in fact, I very much like S2. You might have called this “Connecting the Dots.”

I’m not keen on the two opening lines. I was going to suggest you re-think “we,” but could you bear removing those lines altogether?

 

Jackie

[Matty11]

Thanks Jackie. Your option feels too immediate at present, but I'll post it and see if it takes root.

best

Phil

[Colm Roe]

The original gets my vote.
The first line of each stanza ('What we have here' 'Unlike them, over there') tethers them securely.
I see where Jackie is coming from; the first line is redundant because you don't have to tell us you're about
to tell us...but for me it adds a unique direction and gives the N's voice an extra dimension.

[Matty11]

.Good point Colm and one that set me thinking for ages. Still dithering

cheers

Phil

[AlienFlower]

Hmmm.

Still dithering

I first learned this word from my Northern Irish roommate eons ago, and she used it to mean she couldn't make up her mind. In the US, I've heard it used to mean agitated, or excited, or shaking. 

Very confusing!