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If Only

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TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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If Only

Post by TrevorConway » Thu Nov 04, 2021 2:48 am

NEW VERSION
 
If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
 
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
 
If dreams were films
we could release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
 
And if the sun
was further away,
we’d have winter
every day.
 
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you might ride it
like a mountain bike.



OLD VERSION

If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
 
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
 
If dreams were films
we could somehow release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
 
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you’d fold it up,
ride it like a bike.
Last edited by TrevorConway on Thu Nov 11, 2021 1:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: If Only

Post by Matty11 » Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:20 am

Hi Trev

Enjoyed your bitter/sweet poem. I have no quibbles.

best

Phil

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
Contact:

Re: If Only

Post by TrevorConway » Sun Nov 07, 2021 1:15 am

Thanks, Phil. I think it feels a bit short, so I might try to come up with another verse. Will see.

Thanks again,

Trev

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: If Only

Post by Dave » Sun Nov 07, 2021 10:49 am

A fun read. I enjoyed the poem

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: If Only

Post by indar » Tue Nov 09, 2021 7:07 am

I agree with all the comments so far--yes its a fun read but with a bittersweet edge to it. I agree with you it feels like there should be more, maybe a stanza between 3 and 4 to transition from the out and out  playfulness to that last sense of yearning ( stated without drama--good).

I enjoyed the read.

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Mark
Posts: 586
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: If Only

Post by Mark » Wed Nov 10, 2021 2:23 pm

Bobs and bounces along nicely as a fun read. S3 seems to be missing an 'only' in the 1st line, for consistency. Otherwise the structure is decent enough and the rhyme scheme unobtrusive.

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Re: If Only

Post by TrevorConway » Thu Nov 11, 2021 1:38 am

Thanks, Mark. I left out the "only" to avoid monotony.

New version with a new verse below and at the top of the page, if anyone's interested.


If Only
 
If only rain
was always warm,
we’d take a shower
in every storm.
 
If only stars
had brighter light,
there’d be no streetlamps
lit at night.
 
If dreams were films
we could release,
you’d love my latest
masterpiece.
 
And if the sun
was further away,
we’d have winter
every day.
 
If only this poem
could be what you like,
you might ride it
like a mountain bike.

hanahana
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2018 12:50 am

Re: If Only

Post by hanahana » Sun Nov 14, 2021 3:09 am

very good poem.... thanks
Graduated from Soran University with First Class Degree with Honours in Computer Science

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
Contact:

Re: If Only

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Nov 24, 2021 1:49 am

Thanks, Hanahana.

Trev

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