The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

You open this so well. L2 is an original way describe someone, 'ego' I take to mean self-respect, and 'body electric' refers to a dynamic  personality. The clock falling is a powerful image. These four lines show us so much.
S2 is a show of strength. L5 is particularly poignant. Loved the image of silly religions fighting for attention and placing the clay above instead of below; and 'clay, cartoon ceiling' tells me all I need to know about the N's thoughts on the matter.
S3 is rather lovely, and S4 even more so. 
Some of your poems can be challenging, not so this one. The impression I got was that it was important for the meaning to transfer, and the eloquence with which you achieved that is stunning. 
 

Thanks for looking, Colm, and for those generous and encouraging remarks. I think you are right about the use of plain-speak to convey abstract concepts. Guess I like this one too.

 

Mark -- it is a an absolute and long-overdue treat to see your work include the phrase "love and joy". And for it to appear in a non-sardonic way.  The poem would end in a wonderful way if it were to end with that phrase.  What follows, to my sense, lets some of the air out of the balloon.

I would suggest you consider deleting line 2 altogether.  It brings too much baggage into what otherwise is a pure thread, a fragile line through the narrative.  Just my thought.

I love S.3 -- it conjures a private memory of a church long ago.  Annually the priest would give helium balloons to the kids during a part of the service, and by service's end, all of the balloons would be softly bobbing against the sanctuary's ceiling.  Imagining a ceiling mural against which the balloons are bobbing is an easy next step and your image works amazingly for me.

Good to see you posting.

Cheers.

T