The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Symmetry isn't lost on nature,
it could, I'm sure
especially in the macro world,
repeat perfect copies
as it evolves.

I caress a pebble.
It revolves through my fingers,
each degree of twist
reveals a different stone.

I'm in gallery mode,
wonder what it's saying, and
what way I should be looking.
A few defects slow the orbit,
my skin, compelled to probe
presses, I think, a balm.
Not content,
nails scratch harder, it's what they do
looking for something, anything, to dislodge,
picking old scabs.

I place it back
and it disappears, probably never
to be fondled again.
Just a slow erode
becoming slightly less
with every lap and dance
of wind and water, and sadly
the more rounded it becomes
the more it'll roll and erode.

Hi Colm,

I found this was bogged down in prosaic, telly language in parts. I'd suggest starting at "I'm in gallery mode", then bring in the pebble if that what "it's" refers to. Some specifics below.

All the best with it,

Trev 

(Bold = delete)

Symmetry isn't lost on nature,
it could, I'm sure
especially in the macro world,
repeat perfect copies
as it evolves.

I caress a pebble.
It revolves through my fingers,
each degree of twist
reveals a different stone.

I'm in gallery mode: [Not sure what gallery mode is (just slow speculation, like in a gallery?), but I like it]
I wonder what it's saying,
this pebble revolving through my fingers,]
what way I should be looking.
A few defects slow the orbit,
my skin, compelled to probe
presses, I think, a balm.
Not content,
nails scratch harder, it's what they do
looking for something, anything, to dislodge,
picking old scabs.

I place it back [Too prosaic/unimaginative, the language here in this line]
and it disappears, probably never
to be fondled again.
Just a slow erode
becoming slightly less
with every lap and dance [nice phrasing; did you mean ro hint at/pun on lapdance?]
of wind and water, and sadly
the more rounded it becomes
the more [it will erode].

[I also think the ending could be improved, a different idea]

Thanks for the read and comments Trev.
I think 'prosaic' is a bit harsh, but hey, I put stuff out there and if that's the general consensus....
All comments are appreciated, whether I like them or not

Hey Colm
I too stumbled on S1 as it seems to be starting the poem with commentary rather than showing. the poem is at its strongest when it relies on imagery rather than seeking to provide meaning.

nails scratch harder, it's what they do

and

I'm in gallery mode

Well, those gems were worth the price of the admission!

I have a pebble poem buried in the reject pile. Something about pebbles...anyway enjoyed your pebble poem.

best

Phil

Thanks Dave and Phil.
S1 is a problem. Think I'll either remove it or try to incorporate its essence into the following stanzas.

No problem, Colm. You're welcome. By the way, when I said "prosaic", I was thinking of how I felt it sounded too close to prose compared to verse (although some poems can work well with a very prose feel, depending on the context, etc.). But prosaic can also refer to general quality/standard as well, so I could've chosen a better word. Apologies for the clumsiness of my comment. If I found a poem prosaic in the sense of sub-standard or something, I probably wouldn't comment on it, as it wouldn't engage me enough to comment. This poem engaged me, as all good poems should do 

Thanks for that Trev. And thanks for engaging

Hi, Colm.

I read and re-read and will come back to it again.

Although the consensus is to do away with S1, I must say, I rather like the idea of the symmetry of nature.

It conjures lots of images.

The words, "symmetry" with "nature" on L1 are what reeled me in but I'm a nature freak and a freak of nature.


I too, like the line, "I'm in gallery mode" and (I think) related to it immediately.

"Picking scabs" as something to dislodge from a pebble is an interesting metaphor.

Just my thoughts. I'm no teacher.


~Deb