The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

When you feel that life is hard
and many things are getting you down,
like mean words
or bad luck
or feeling you’re just not good enough,
always remember this:
it could be worse –
you could’ve been born a toilet brush.

I am afraid I may sound harsh on this one but am I right in thinking this is also aimed at young people? On the whole it seems less of a poem than a homily. Whether it works hinges so much on the last line, whether it is original, funny or startling since the build up is not very original or enlightening. The last line might if it is for younger children but IMO only for them. This was said better by Lear, I am afraid.
Dave
 

Hi Dave,

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, this is another poem aimed at children. I'll try to make it more remarkable in the build-up to the "punch line" (at least I hoped it'd work as a punch line). Oh, there's a similar-ish idea in Lear, is there? I might look it up, maybe even get some inspiration from it or give a nod toit in some way. Do you remember any part of the quote?

Thanks,

Trev

Hi Dave,

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, this is another poem aimed at children. I'll try to make it more remarkable in the build-up to the "punch line" (at least I hoped it'd work as a punch line). Oh, there's a similar-ish idea in Lear, is there? I might look it up, maybe even get some inspiration from it or give a nod toit in some way. Do you remember any part of the quote?

Thanks,

Trev

When you feel that life is hard
and the ingrowing toenail is getting large,
or that eggy odour
begins to follow you around
the playground, and you don't kick
the ball because your toenail is getting large,
or feeling your girlfriend will dump
you like a bad smell...

always remember this:
it could be worse –
you could’ve been born a toilet brush.



Just needs more concrete detail Trev imho

Phil

Great stuff, Phil. Thanks for you input.

T

Apols for rewriting your poem Trev. Not sure it adds consolation for the reader

When you think life sucks,
as it sometimes does,
and many things
are getting you down,
and people's careless words
make you hurt.
When you're feeling
you’re just not good enough,
always remember this:
it could be worse –
you could’ve been born a toilet brush.
Or worser still,
you could have been born
in the horrible goo
it has to scrape.
But remember this,
dung beetles have to eat poo...
so there's always someone/something
worse off
than you

No apology needed, Colm. I appreciate the effort put it, and I may well extend it the way you have done it. Your version makes mine feel underdeveloped (not that it was we've gonna be an intellectual poem )

Thanks again,

Trev

No apology needed, Colm. I appreciate the effort put it, and I may well extend it the way you have done it. Your version makes mine feel underdeveloped (not that it was we've gonna be an intellectual poem )

Thanks again,

Trev

Being the old-timer, I couldn't help but flash on Petula Clark lyrics:

When you're alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go
Downtown
When you've got worries all the noise and the hurry
Seems to help I know
Downtown
Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?

Not sure how you can touch up the lead-in, but Matty is on the right track I think.
I'd say short and blunt.

T