My wife has twisted her ankle (revision)

[Matty11]

Gone for pub
 

[Dansinger]

Yes, running is dangerous business.

I like this. A lot.

[AlienFlower]

Once you both used the same fix to get happy; now you each seek your own. I take it from the title that she and not you has gone astray if “twisted her ankle” is a metaphor for feet heading in the wrong direction.

 

I like the enjambment of “to get in shape/for me” and “your anxiety over/serotonin.” Lots of little unexpected things among these short lines.

 

I’m confused, though: you’re referring to the person in the title in the 3rd person and the person who has exited your bed and gone off to get in shape for you in the 2nd person. Oh, two different people--getting interesting.

 

I like that the last stanza is only gently judgmental—great last line.

 

Enjoyed

 

Jackie

[Colm Roe]

S1 seems to suggest all's not well in the relationship. 'MY duvet' instead of 'our' or 'the' was the first hint.
'Frosted' and 'silenced' are red flags too.
The N's sedate hormone fix, compared to hers, also suggests a divergence.
He says he worries about her, then falls asleep!
I think it's a couple experiencing a change in their relationship, and just accepting/dealing with it they way most of us do.
I used to run 10 miles a day, the endorphin high I used to feel afterwards was amazing. When I had to stop due to an injury, I actually suffered from withdrawal symptoms for a while.
Anywho, I really enjoyed the read and your exploration of the four happy hormones.

[Matty11]

Thanks Dan, Jackie and Colm. All appreciated.

Yes, running is a dangerous business.

Yep!

I’m confused, though: you’re referring to the person in the title in the 3rd person and the person who has exited your bed and gone off to get in shape for you in the 2nd person. Oh, two different people--getting interesting.

I'll have to think how to clarify that Jackie. Pleased the line breaks and ending worked. No metaphor intended in the title, but I can see there could be!

S1 seems to suggest all's not well in the relationship. 'MY duvet' instead of 'our' or 'the' was the first hint.
'Frosted' and 'silenced' are red flags too.

Exactly Colm. As you say divergence and disconnection.

I used to run 10 miles a day, the endorphin high I used to feel afterwards was amazing. When I had to stop due to an injury, I actually suffered from withdrawal symptoms for a while.

Yes, I've seen a few examples of injuries. I'm a walker myself. 'A man should know his limitations' as Dirty Harry said!

all the best

Phil

[Gyppo]

I rather like this.  For me it paints a gentle word picture of the meandering half-awake morning thoughts we've probably all known at times.  I'm happy with it at this surface level, rather than delving too deeply for hidden meanings.

I've no idea if Phil deliberately planted little landmines of potential ambiguity, but not all poetry has to be deeply profound to be enjoyable.

Gyppo

[TrevorConway]

Hi Phil,

Th title drew me in to a degree, but after reading the poem, the title felt a bit flat. Not a big deal whether you keep it or change it, though. 

Interesting idea for a poem, and pretty well executed in general, I think. The main niggle for me was that there was an overegging of the hormone theme, like there was at least one reference too many, making the poem overall feeling more formulaic than it needs to feel. I'd suggest removing the dopamine one. I would have suggested the endorphins one, as it's a very well-known one, but you wove that one into the ideas around it so well that it has to stay.

Maybe considering switching the positions of the last 2 verses?

All the best,

Trev

[Matty11]

Thanks Gyppo and Trev

I agree Gyppo. There can be layers in a poem, but if the 'surface' doesn't deliver, then most readers will shrug and move on.

Trev, the title appealed to my sense of N.'s idleness and humour. I'll have a think about the chemical overload, though that was a driver for the poem. Behaviours driven by chemical fixes.

cheers

Phil