Red Car

[Matty11]

gone to publ land

[Colm Roe]

Snow in Wales! That's global warming for you
Nice read; love the clean poverty of snow.

[Matty11]

Thanks Colm. The weather I fear here are the winds. We needed a roofer this week. Mr Tiley!

cheers

Phil

[Deb]

Matty, I like this.

"A beetle black night of worry" and "the poverty of snow" are both beautifully descriptive in a unique sense. Double points on both.

On the third read, it was a little humorous to me, although I can see it is not from your point of view. I would LOVE some snow but I don't have to drive in it in the pitch of the night and would worry sick if my loved ones had to drive in unsuspected snow.




~Deb

[Matty11]

Thanks Deb for the points. Yes, humour on the outside looking-in

cheers

Phil

[Tracy Mitchell]

No cats

I looked at moving "Muted songbirds and no cats" to the conclusion of the poem.  Pluses and minuses, but I did like the progression. My only thought is take a look-see yourself.

One winter when I was young and dumb I lived in an apartment in Fargo, ND, and rented a parking lot slot for my 1967 ford.  Good lord was that a lot of shoveling, most of it in the dark. And cold. And it being Fargo - wind as well. Getting the engine to turn over was another story entirely.  

I lied - it turns out I have a second thought -- consider how S.1. L.2 reads without the pronoun "I".  

Cheers.

T

[TrevorConway]

Hi Phil,

Like Deb, the beetle black night and clean poverty of snow worked well. The latter really made me stand up and take notice. I don't see how the title relates to the context, not that a title always has to clearly relate to the content.

A few specific suggestions/comments below.

Hope they help,

Trev


A beetle black night ["beetle-black"?]
of worry and I work ["and working"?]
in the clean poverty
of snow.

Songbirds mute and no cats. [The description here feel flat/lazy compared to the first verse. Anything more inventive coming to mind? "Songbirds are solid of throat"?]
I clear the drive
and car, my face
flushed and puzzled. [Flushed and puzzled at what? Maybe others understand, but not clear to me anyway]

[Matty11]

Thanks Trev and T.

I intended this to be a climate change poem. Extreme weather (the pivot lines of cat/birds to imply this). The title relates to what we value ie cars. I was hoping the fact the snow is so deep there would be no clearing of roads. Hence the puzzlement... and perhaps a reflection by N. on what is valued. Of course, there is the instinctive...man has spade, man must dig

cheers

Phil

[AlienFlower]

Phil,

With your Big Picture in mind (of Climate Change) I’m seeing the word puzzling as N wondering at his own behavior—what his instinct made him do. I had assumed on the first read that the songbirds were quiet because of the night, but thinking Climate Change, it’s the unexpected wintry weather? And are these feral cats? Do they shy from snow?

 

"Beetle black" works for me because the alliteration tells me it’s intense, but I don’t actually think of beetles as always black.

 

I love shoveling our drive before dawn, and was stunned at how sharp and cold that image came back to me with your clean poverty of snow. Really nice. The whole poem, in fact, is a lovely moment in time.

 

How can you make your Big Picture a tad more obvious?

 

Jackie

[Matty11]

How can you make your Big Picture a tad more obvious?

I don't know Jackie. I tried some title changes: wealth the priority being the car rather than the climate. The extreme weather  indicated no animal/bird ventures forth and a pointlessness in the activity ie so extreme that all the roads are closed. Perhaps I'll foreground that fact.

Yes, there is something compulsive in snow shoveling

cheers

Phil