The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Would I wash the car
if I sipped time, instead of gulping
most of it 
in surreal gorges
that plummet 
untasted, forgotten, wasted, or
just recorded by ennui's blank expression. 

Too late,
Dali has softened my clocks.

Gladys gets cremated tomorrow,
time for time to melt and harden.
Time to wear a suit again.

Her exit's kept me busy, so 
I'll rise early, wash the car, then
a long drive to a short service.
A reminder to sip
I already know
I'll almost instantly forget.

 

Found the contemplative tone, the reality and honesty pegs, engaging, not overdone. I know, but I forget what I know, and learn again. Just being human I guess. Liked how the poem wasn't railroading thoughts. Writing the poem was a good use of Colm time. And reading time for Phil

Thanks Phil

As Phil says a comtemplative tone. I think there is some 'deadwood' you could easily cut from the poem as it tends to repeat certain refrains and lose power and impact with the repetitions, I suggest:

Would I wash the car
if I sipped,

instead of gulping time
n surreal gorges
untasted and wasted?

Too late,
Dali has softened my clocks.

Gladys is to be cremated tomorrow;
time to wear a suit again.

I will (will is slower than I'll) rise early, wash the car, 
take a long drive to a short service.

Sorry for messing around with the original but wanted to give you an idea of what I think distills the poem and removes some of the telling. I appreciate some of the message is also lost.
Dave

 
 

Quite readable, an authentic mix of the poetic and prosaic. Some enjoyable phrases in Ls 4, 9 & 15. Nice writing. If I had to pick on something, it would be L16 which I don't understand or am I being thick?

Thanks Dave and Mark for your comments. 
L16 A reminder to sip time, to appreciate the time I have. Something we do when people we know die or fall ill (or when we recover from an illness); tell ourselves we'll 'live in the moment' instead of wasting time in 'untasted gulps'. But that noble thought is soon forgotten. 
Sorry for your loss Mark.

Colm Roe wrote: ↑

Wed Jan 12, 2022 7:28 pm

Would I wash the car
if I sipped time, instead of gulping
most of it 
in surreal gorges
that plummet 
untasted, forgotten, wasted, or
just recorded by ennui's blank expression. 

Too late,
Dali has softened my clocks.

Gladys gets cremated tomorrow,
time for time to melt and harden.
Time to wear a suit again.

Her exit's kept me busy, so 
I'll rise early, wash the car, then
a long drive to a short service.
A reminder to sip
I already know
I'll almost instantly forget.

 

I like the way the poem starts with something apparently very mundane and domestic, meanders on thoughts about use of time, then the significance of washing the car and the reason for it builds in the penultimate stanza. I like the tension between the 'advice' and self-knowledge that you will fail to take the advice (as will we all!). 

It decides for me which poem to post first here.
 
I like that 
in surreal gorges
works both as 'valley' and 'gulping food'. 

This feels completely finished, entire and powerful. I wouldn't change a word. 

Thank you, bruise
I'm glad you liked it; death is something I write about a lot, as you'll soon find out. I really enjoyed reading yours.

 

instead of gulping
most of it 
in surreal gorges

Add my cheers to the chorus of approbation for this poem.   The tone is pitch-perfect.

Second stanza made me laugh out loud. Stanza four is a grand wrap-up to this.

Cheers.

T