Remote

[AlienFlower]

He extends 

The remote—my choice.

I take it

For a while

And train the clicked-at 

Screen. I know

It’s to keep

Me nearby.

[indar]

Wow Jackie,

Human interactions through the TV remote. Remote indeed. This is quite the metaphor for a much larger human dilemma.

I don't believe you are in the habit of capitalizing the first word of each line. Was there a reason you did it here?

[Colm Roe]

This vision of a controlling SO is written light but scarily.
As Linda said, it's quite the metaphor.
A keen, focused write.  

[AlienFlower]

Thank you, Linda and Colm. I guess one of those cynical moments you go through.

Linda, I wondered if anyone would ask about the caps. I was trying to write an Octologue:

A snippet of eavesdropped conversation, a bit of dialogue, monologue, any thought that is or can be spoken aloud.  It must be a complete thought.  It can answer a question; it can lead to more questions, leaving the reader begging to hear the answers.

 

The Octologue is eight syllabic lines with each line capped.  The pattern is:

 

3/5/3/3/5/3/3/3

[TrevorConway]

Hi Jackie,

I think the form constrains the poem in a way that feels fairly artificial, so I'd suggest different line breaks. I also think there could be more development. Some specifics below, anyway.

Hope it helps,

Trev   


He extends the remote—it's my choice.
I take it for a while
And train the clicked-at screen. [I don't fully get the idea here]

[Here is where I think you could delve a lot deeper. More description of him, of the relationship. What's the room like? How does it smell? What's on the TV? Is the volume loud?]

I know it’s to keep me nearby.

[Eric Ashford]

A  fine poem that says a lot in few words. The shared remote is rare, but it can lead to some intimate or stained moments
in our relationships. Well said.