For those you might be tempted to reject

[Dave]

Original draft from NAPO

 For those you might tempted to reject

She waits
                   at the gate
                                       for a sign

                  The reason he left is as ancient
                  as ancient as the dirt road
                  the reason he returns is as ancient
                  as her premonition

the morning is icy
the afternoon the same
the evening white against a slate sky
her breath evokes a spirit

When she hears the steps
they don't arrive in a rush
they are measured, long and burdened

she turns to the house
to prepare a song

of sorrow

Second draft

Amal waits
                   at the gate
                                       for a sign

                  The reason her son departed
                  is as ancient, as ancient as
                  the dirt road
                 
                  the path he returns is as ancient
                  as the darkened mountain

the morning is iced
the afternoon the same
the evening white against a slate sky
her breath evokes a spirit

The steps she hears
don't arrive in a rush,
they are measured,
burdened

                   she enters their house
                   to prepare a song

                   of sorrow

Third Draft

Amal waits for her departed son,
she suffers in pained silence

he has gone to be a nameless other,
a nobody in someone else's culture

where they act

as if bullets only pierce chosen skin
as if her wounds close without trace

and her womb had no memory


 

[Mark]

I do think the second version is better although the first version's ending seems more authentic. I don't know the reason he left. Love? Gold? War? And I don't know if a dirt road is a good simile for ancient. I also don't know how well that amount of repetition serves the poem. Sorry to be negative but overall the piece feels a little flat.    

So, just want to show you guys something practical here, related to my habit of adjusting line lengths into angled stanzas. My thesis of neatness assumes that this tailoring forces word choices/ line breaks etc that then create nuances and shifts that the poem was perhaps meant to have. Sorry, it's just my thing.  

Dave's organic version below. See how it is naturally tending to angularity. My drafts often look like this at first.


the morning is iced
the afternoon the same
the evening white against a slate sky
her breath evokes a spirit

The steps she hears
don't arrive in a rush,
they are measured,
and burdened.


the morning is iced
and afternoon the same.
The evening is white against
slate; her breath is a spirit cloud

the slow steps she hears
don't arrive in haste
but are measured,
and burdened. 


Tempting to think you could perhaps end it here, leaving more to the imagination.

Thanks for the loan of your poem, Dave.

 

[indar]

Thank you for starting the process of mulling, rereading and reconsidering NaPo poems Dave. I like this one even more than I did on first read, and the second version more than the first. The edit includes just a few specifics that bring clarity without overwriting: the woman's given name that is not a western, Christian name, the "he" is her son. Unfortunately, sons are lost for reasons as old as dirt and the reasons for war as old as mountains. The visual white on white breath (with which spirit has long been associated: Pneuma - Wikipedia) does not overstate the loss of spirit brought about by the loss of child.



 

[Dave]

Hey Indar and Mark
I appreciate the close reading and suggestions - that is why we are here. I agree that the poem is perhaps flat - lacking in intrinsic detail - a weakness I have in that I often choose to leave out the details  to avoid people falling in to ready made stereotypes. May not serve the poems well. 

Ditto repetition.
I often look at line symmetry and length as a guide to lien endings, run on or not etc but am not interested in angled or shaped stanzas per se any more than any other tool perse. They all have a place and time but are not a panacea. Here it did not speak to me but I will continue to incorporate it into my considerations. I like the cutting of sky.

the morning is iced, and afternoon
the same. The evening is white
against slate; her breath
is a spirit cloud

the slow steps
she hears arrive without
haste, but in even measure
beneath their solemn burden. 

[TrevorConway]

Hi Dave,

Definitely the second draft for me. Getting more context helps here, for sure. It brings the poem alive more than the first draft. Some specifics below. Hope it helps.

Trev


Amal waits
                   at the gate
                                       for a sign [nice placement of lines, works well]

                  The reason her son departed
                  is as ancient, as ancient as [No need for the 2 ancients, almost feels like a typo]
                  the dirt road
                 
                  the path he returns [to] is as ancient
                  as the darkened mountain [Maybe a different adjective; darkened is a cliche for ominous stuff]

the morning is iced ["icy" is better; "iced" tries too hard, I think]
the afternoon the same ["the same" feels lazy; needs an adjective of its own]
the evening white against a slate sky 
her breath evokes a spirit

The steps she hears
don't arrive in a rush,
they are measured,
burdened [You could around with the placement of lines in this verse, like at the beginning]

                   she enters their house
                   to prepare a song

                   of sorrow [Not crazy on this last line. Any other ideas? Even ending on just "to prepare a song" would be better, in my opinion]

[AlienFlower]

Dave, I do like the original version. I prefer its conciseness and understatedness, and in my view the pacing is right. I like not knowing the relationship between them.

Especially, I like that his reason for coming back is held in her premonition. In version two where his return is as old as the mountains, we assume she's been told what it is. To me, that undercuts all suspense—in the spirit, the steps, and the type of song she will write.

Jackie

 

[Dave]

Thank you for every single comment, they all add something to my understanding of the poem and poetry. They are all well thought through and have sense that I can well relate to as I try and shape the oem into something meaningful and endurable.
Dave
 

[Colm Roe]

I prefer the original, I think because of 'premonition'
I read the measured steps coming from the reluctant bearer of bad news, not the son/husband...his body arrived later.
I find the shape distracting/unnecessary; a fine poem like this stands on its own merits.
 

[Eric Ashford]

Dave, the second draft is more concise and tight.
Some lines come across as trite and predictably maudlin.
I would suggest less overt romanticism and more grit.
Best EA

[Dave]

Thanks Eric for the honest comments. I will take them on board too until I find answers to them.

Dave